I just can't shake this feeling...

I just can't shake this feeling...like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel something big is going to happen and its like a black cloud over my head...

Mom visited Dad today. He was napping when she arrived. When she woke him, he told her he had a machine that would help him escape. No doubt he was dreaming. Despite his confusion and paranoia, his one constant thought this past month, is that he wants out.

I just can't stop imagining how I would feel if I were in Dad's situation. He knows he still has the same health problems he had prior to coming into the nursing home, except, his ulcers have healed. He knows he is confused, but I know he blames that on the medication. He still knows his family, so that must make him so sad that we are not bringing him home. No doubt he blames Mom. He told me over and over he did not want to be in a nursing home...

Does he know he has Alzheimer's? Would he rather be in denial? I suppose no one wants to accept being ill... Dad's personality has always been suspicious and wanting to over-think anything he did not want to do. He could come up with a myriad of excuses...

I'm trying to think back...way back...and I realize Dad has been avoiding things for quite some time. He has been canceling doctor appointments because he was afraid of the procedure or what the doctor would find. He avoided doctors who told him diagnosis or suggested procedures to find out what was causing him problems. He fought constantly against his primary care doctor. He felt the doctor sided with Mom because they both had the same doctor.

Certainly, Dad has had Alzheimer's/Dementia for a lot longer than we perceived. I still can't believe he was driving his truck around this past March. I have read anesthesia can make dementia worse. I wonder if the colonoscopy Dad had a couple years back, sped up his memory loss?

I find myself reminiscing...remembering Dad and I collecting agate rocks on the beach in Washington state. Taking walks in the woods and having him tell me which plants and berries I could eat. Riding the Ferry boats and sitting up on his shoulders...having conversations while he watered the plants...him always being on my side...when I had to get rid of one dog, because he was too big, he took me right away to get a smaller one. Sledding in the snow...making snowmen and snow angels...

When we moved to Covina, Mom had to get a job and Dad would quit his jobs to stay home with us because he did not like "strangers" watching his children. He made me feel like there was nothing I could not do. When he disciplined me, he always took me, just he and I, and would talk with me. Just him telling me he was disappointed in me, was way worse than any punishment.
When I moved out when I was 18, he called me up and made a date with me. He came dressed in a suit and tie and took me out to dinner. I will never forget how special that made me feel.

I feel guilty when I call him and he sounds so sad. I feel I am betraying him in some way. I feel I am not loving him enough. I feel so protective toward him. I just hate the fact, I tried so hard to find him the nicest Medi-Cal place, and that he is not happy there...