My husband's surprise party was a success. Only 16 of us were together to celebrate, but that is the up side of having a large family, even if half show up, its still substantial...
By 9 am, I saw the last of the over night company off to return to California.... Still, the dark shadow is still breathing down my neck. One thing about darkness, it really knows how to stir the pot. Every little thing that is negative, plus most of the positives, become twisted and dark, like a large ominous storm cloud creeping over a sunny landscape...
A whole lotta' shakin' is going on inside me...feel real jumpy and nervous. I talked to Mom today. She was visiting Dad and he told her someone had stolen my painting and replaced it with another. Mom assured him it was the same painting I had done for him. He didn't believe her. Mom tried to call me but my phone was on vibrate since I had an appointment. Apparently, Mom could not find my signature on the lower right of the painting.
Just listening to Mom talk about the negative visit she had with Dad, made me want to hang up and also made me relate to Mom in a way I usually don't. I too have been finding myself reluctant to talk with Dad, or relieved when I call and Dad is in activities or they are passing medications. I don't like that about myself. It makes me feel guilty as hell!
While Mom was talking to me, I found myself thinking back to my Mother in Law. We would visit her one day and come back the next day and she would whine and ridicule us for not seeing her in so long. I could hear Mom tell me Dad asked where we all were...he sounded surprised I was in Nevada. My Mother in law totally forgot her son and I were married...
In some ways, Dad sounds like he is getting more paranoid. That is the evil part of this disease, we can never be familiar with Dad. How we used to walk into a room, without thinking, and fold ourselves into his arms for a hug. Effortless, without any thought other than how good it feels to get one of his hugs. Now we almost have to gear up, go into combat mode. Be a defensive and strategic. Put on our Scout badges to be prepared...
We never really know for sure how we will find Dad... Its all up in the air... Just go with the flow. Its like riding a roller-coaster, and I HATE ROLLER-COASTERS!!!!
I understand mourning. A person does not have to go to a funeral to feel that kind of loss. I know we can all feel it, even though Dad is still here... but living with it is creepy. The kind of creepy, one wants to avoid...
So,
I am done writing today.
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