A thank you letter...

Today I was finishing off the last two bags of shredding from Dad's room and I came across this thank you letter to Dad from the Senior Pastor at his church...

July 15, 2003

Dear Don,

I wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you that a patient at F_____ P_____ Hospital named W......... L......... called me to tell me what an outstanding job you do serving as a chaplain at the hospital. He recently was in for a second eye surgery and greatly appreciated your spending time with him. He commented on your gentle, assuring manner and the spiritual strength you gave him.

God Bless you, Don, for using your spiritual gifts to help others by communicating Christ's love to those who are in a stressful situation and need the peace that Jesus offers.

In Christ,

T...... T.......
Senior Pastor

Challenges in the blueprint of living and giving...

Spoke with Dad over the phone today...he was very interested in colors and what they mean. He talked of blueprints we must follow. How living is giving. The challenges he must face each day. These were the main themes repeated through our conversation. As always, he still is trusting in the Lord's plan. He mentioned my youngest brother twice, my second to the oldest brother about four times and Mom, too many times to count.

Computers are connections and so are people we love. Some times it is scary to put his faith in the Lord. He has a magnetic condition he can't control... He can relate to Vets and sees combinations of names...

When I asked if Mom had visited him today, he told me she had, and she would be there throughout the day. I asked if his television was connected and he said it was, but when I checked later, I was told it wasn't. He asked me for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with some milk. After we hung up, I called and asked the CNA if she would order him a sandwich from the kitchen. She told me he would be eating soon, and I reassured her he would definitely finish his dinner.

I asked Dad if he would like me to paint him a picture with beautiful colors and movement in it and he told me "that would be wonderful! I would like that..." I will bring it to him in a couple of weeks when my husband and I go out to visit him.

Mom came to visit at lunch time to watch Dad devour turkey, gravy, stuffing, veggies, potatoes, apple cake, ice cream, coffee and milk. He was still hungry, so Mom gave him two more 100 calorie snack packs. Dad continued to sit and stare at his tray as if he stared at it long enough, more food would reappear. Mom asked him if he was still hungry, and of course he was so she ordered him a fruit plate. When it arrived, Dad finished off a large scoop of cottage cheese, a banana, sliced apples and sliced pears! Mom gave him his 12 almonds a bag of Cheez-its and he inhaled that as well.

She has a tough time when Dad does not make any sense. She doesn't know what to say, and gets upset when he ignores her or does not answer her questions. For me, it is easier to just let him talk, briefly comment, but just to listen to him.

His nurse is so kind. He clearly has so much compassion for Dad. He called to tell me after we talked on the phone, Dad seemed angry. Dad was still holding the phone with his mouth clenched like he was angry. The nurse took the phone and no one was there so he hung up. He asked Dad if he was in pain and Dad was fine.

God Bless these wonderful, kind individuals who extend their gentleness and care to patients who once were strangers, and now are treated like their own family members...

Man, it's hot...

My brothers are all doing their Fantasy Football, an annual event with their friends. I Talked to Mom and my sister. Both of them are sweltering in the heat...Mom is busy going through Dad's stuff, trying to get it organized and boxed up. Last night my niece and brother were there helping to get the room cleaned out so they can begin painting.

We had planned on doing that for Dad back in May, but he was laid up with his rapid heartbeat and leg ulcers. Ironic how things worked out so my niece can move in, help, and keep Mom company.

Both my husband and I are feeling the effects of the heat...it is miserable out there! We watched Senator Ted Kennedy's funeral this morning. What a tribute to man, patriot and father.

Tonight we are going out with friends for dinner at Dan's Famous BBQ and to see Post Graduate. Wish it would cool off at night. Unlike California, it stays in the high 80's at night...just miserable. Thank goodness for air conditioning in cars, restaurants and movie theatres....

Loving Dad and keeping him comfortable and safe...

Mom went to visit Dad today. She found him sitting in a wheel chair, in the dining room of the nursing home, eating his lunch. The nurse asked her to wait, because Dad was feeding himself and they wanted him to finish. They had to feed him this morning. So glad to hear they are encouraging Dad as much as possible to do as much for himself as he can.

I called and spoke with the nurse and he assured me Dad is walking some of the time. He had walked down to the dining room for dinner tonight. Typical, Dad is so motivated by food, I guess he feels he will get it a lot quicker by going to the food! He told me Dad's hands were a lot better and that he was feeding himself.

Mom sat in a chair enjoying a cup of coffee the nurse brought her and watched Dad scarf a fish fillet sandwich, mixed veggies, cold slaw, milk, coffee and some pineapple upside down cake.his lunch as if soon someone would come and take it from him.

She wheeled him back to his room and helped him into bed. She read Dad some of his favorite poems, some lyrics to a few of the hymns he used to sing at church and some verses from the Bible. Mom takes it personally when Dad seems more entertained with the border on the wall up near the ceiling. Dad would start talking about negativity and Mom gently re-enforced the positive.

The nursing home has installed Dad's new TV, but it is not hooked up yet. His room mates, "The Laugher" was asleep and "Speedy" was out wandering the hallways, so they had the privacy but Dad was preoccupied with the wall paper border. She quickly got his attention by giving him two bags of cookies, some Cheez-it crackers and some almonds.

Dad sure seems to be more emotionally consistent. He takes his medication without any trouble and is no longer scheming ways to escape...He has a great appetite and still has range of motion. He seems resolved that the nursing home is where he lives now... I just want Dad to know we all love him and feel comfortable, safe and protected.

Time for sleep...

I have not been sleeping well lately. Been going to bed between 2am and 4am and getting up at 7:30am. Been up late blogging or discovering new blogs. It's quite addicting actually...

Not healthy for body or mind to neglect sleep...I read that somewhere lately...I need to recharge...

Spent the day running errands for myself and my husband. Came home and made phone calls. Some where after that I must have sat down, because I fell asleep.

My husband went grocery shopping after work and I put everything away. We went out to Claims Jumper for dinner. They had a promotion fund raiser where by, the total of the meal is multiplied by 15% and the restaurant donates that amount to Diabetes. We thought it was a good cause, and an opportunity to go out on a little date...

Now we are home, and it is too late to call Dad. No one called or emailed any visits with Dad, so I guess it is time for sleep. My eyes can't focus anyway...I am soooooooooo tired....zzzzzzzzzzzz

Dad can sure put away the groceries...

My youngest brother went to visit Dad on his lunch hour. He sent the family an email of his visit and I got such a kick out of it, I wanted to share it with you all. I called him to ask if I could cut and paste it to my blog. We chatted for awhile and he elaborated a bit more of his visit, so I will include that as well. (For some reason I could not get the cut and paste to work, so I must re-type it. Hopefully it won't lose any of his humor and charm in my translation...

Family: I went to visit Pops today. I found him in the lunch room eating along with about 40 or 50 other people. Some were eating and most were watching TV. When I broke out the ice cold chocolate shake and the juicy cheeseburger, all eyes were glued on me and Dad!

I mean, I feel bad that I did not have enough to go around... the way they were all lookin' at me...but hey, I am here for my Pops, I gotta' take care of him. I wheeled him out to the patio so he could have some privacy and no one would try to snag his food.

Here is what he ate for lunch:

Jack n the Box cheeseburger
Jack n the Box chocolate shake
Bag of trail mix from Costco
Beef Stew
Peas and cheese dish
Baked potato
Side of carrots
Glass of milk
Glass of water
Ice cream

I got full, just watching him eat it! The kicker is, he fed himself 90% of it and it took him about 8 minutes to finish it all! I think he just "stamped" the food with his teeth and swallowed!

He was in a real positive mind set.
He said he needed to keep the faith, stay positive and appreciate each day. He said he really enjoyed his visit with Mom and " _____ Doll" last night.

I had discussed some things with Dad about how we all need to appreciate each day that God gives to us and he really latched on to that. I also told him, being at the nursing home, is away from "The Rat Race of Negativity" in the outside world. In many ways, it is really a very peaceful place.

I also told him to keep it simple and to remember the small things and the memories. I pointed out one green tomato on a tomato plant growing in a planter on the patio where Dad had just devastated his lunch. I reminded him of when he used to empty the fridge building me a huge "Dagwood" sandwich (the best lunch ever!). Dad smiled and said he remembered...

When he was workin' the trail mix, like it was the last bag on earth, and he had 18 seconds to finish it off; I asked if he remembered when he would eat nuts and how he used to shake them in his hand before tossing them into his mouth. Dad smiled, and the next batch he took in his hand, he did it. It was a Classic moment, and made us both laugh...

I heard the crazy cackle from the guy in bed one...(he could nail down the bucks in a haunted house!) I met Dad's newest room mate in bed two, he spilled his milk from his lunch tray. I soaked up the milk on his tray and bed. He spilled some on his PJ's on the outside of his leg and asked me to clean that too. I told him, "You're GOOD buddy" and left him a stack of paper towels. Funny guy...LOL...(He better save that trick for the pretty nurses...)

I lifted Dad out of his wheel chair to help him into bed, and as I did, he tensed up and keep repeating, "DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!" (it reminded me of Ray in RAINMAN) I reassured him, making sure he knew I would not let him fall. Got him all squared away, hugged him, gave him a whisker rub and told him I loved him. I asked if he was comfortable and he smiled and told me was.

That's all for now, heading to Vegas tomorrow morning. And Donna, it is just a turn around, I come back home Friday morning.

This was a GREAT visit!

Love you all,

E____

Not only did my brother allow me to experience his visit through his eyes, but he made my day with his own unique way of telling a story. God has over Blessed our family with humor and togetherness. We are a family of great Faith and belief in God. It is one of our greatest strengths. Together, we use our humor for the good times and to get through the difficult ones...

Dad's playing cards and doing math...

My sister and Mom went to visit Dad after my sister got off work. When they came into his room, he was sitting in a wheelchair, staring out the window. I wonder why Dad was in a wheelchair? I hope one of my brothers take him out for a walk around, on their next visit. I get so worried he will lose his strength if he spends so much time in bed.

Dad has a new room mate. Mom and my sister call him "Speedy" because he talks non-stop. My sister went up to Dad and gently started to rub his shoulders so she wouldn't startle him. She faced him, greeting him with , "Hi Dad". Dad looked at her and said, "Hi Donna". Mom chirped in with "Guess again..." and then he recognized her, calling her by his pet name for her.

Mom brought Dad a magazine and my sister brought Dad a deck of cards. He used to incorporate them in a game he was devoted to prior to going into the hospital. He impressed her with his memory of the suits of the cards. She tested him by asking him what 6 plus 4 was and he responded "10...and 10 more is 20".

She has decided to bring something to interact with and interest Dad, instead of just sitting and chatting. She video taped him as well. We all feel the need to document things with Dad. We want to record everything, as everything with Dad is very precious.

We have decided to make a photo album for Dad with every one's picture in it. When we visit, we can bring it out and see who he can identify, and we can also use it to reference family when we share family news. I think Dad will enjoy just looking through it as well. I think it will keep him company.

As I watched the video of Dad, my first reaction, is Dad's short hair. I don't like it. I got used to his Clint Eastwood look. I think it suited him better. Now he looks like a "patient". His eyes seem so sunken in and his poor left hand...even the knuckles look as swollen as his hand.

Dad is curious. He wants to investigate everything. He loves to tinker and just enjoys the tactile experience and the mental challenge of figuring how things work. I watched his swollen fingers collect the cards and handle them... I smiled when he smiled when he held them. I know he will have fun entertaining himself...or coaxing one of the CNAs to play a game of cards.

Dad used to be a Magician and used cards in his act. Oh how he would entertain us with his magic tricks! I could see that spark in his eyes, as if he was thinking back and remembering how good it felt to hold those cards in his hands...

Tears come to my eyes as I write. I just sense his time is getting closer. I don't want to lose my Dad. It is so difficult to think of him not being in this world. I know he will always be in our hearts, but not hearing his wonderful voice and feeling his hugs.... just breaks my heart.

It just wrenches my guts out to watch this wonderful, kind, gentle, sweetheart of a man, wither away. Despite his example of having peace and calm in the midst of all this hell, just speaks volumes about the man we all love and know as our Dad...

Looking back with fond memories...

I was going through some things today, and came across a letter from Dad. It was from November 8, 1974, 11 days after my fiance had been killed.

Dad had thanked me for calling him on his birthday. Telling me how much it meant that I would think of him under the circumstances. Dad has always been so modest and unassuming. He was very worried about my living so far from home. I lived in Tucson, Arizona at the time. My whole family was grieving along with me, as my fiance was much loved by all of them. Dad did not want me to be alone, and was glad I was staying with the family of my fiance's partner.

My fiance was a narcotics detective and was the first officer killed in the line of duty in over 47 years. We had decided it would be safer for him to continue his line of work in Arizona, rather than come to LA county. So I had moved there a year earlier. He was killed during the drug bust he led.

Dad had been an insurance agent and was answering questions I had asked him about my policy. Dad reassured me my coverage was fine, telling me I had enough to be concerned about after such an emotional shock...

He told me he loved me and missed my presence. I sat on the floor holding his letter, drifting through memories...Thoughts of Dad always fill me with love and make me smile...

We used to walk around the block together when we lived at his parent's home in Pasadena. Back then, the neighbors used to burn their leaves. For some reason the sound of a rake scraping against the ground reminds me of Dad. When I first learned how to roller skate, he was with me. His strong hands holding my foot as he tightened them with the skate key and buckled the leather straps. He'd hold my hands and pull me along.

When he used to say my prayers and tuck me in at night, I'd wrap my arms around his neck and he'd pretend he fell asleep... fake snoring. Then, suddenly, he'd lift his head and me with him, making me giggle with delight. He would do it over and over before kissing me on the forehead and telling me to sleep tight.

When I was a pony-tailed preteen doing the dishes, he would come up behind me and lift up my pony tail and kiss the back of my neck, telling me what a great job I was doing.

I called Dad tonight and ended up waking him up. He sounded like anyone does in our family who is suddenly waken from a deep sleep... groggy and out of it. But, he didn't care, as soon as he heard my voice say, "Hi Dad", he knew it was me. There is something in the way Dad says my name, that warms me from the inside out.

He told me he could tell by my voice how much I loved him. God, that made me feel soooo good. I have always loved you so much Dad...good night, sleep tight Papa-Doots.

Think the anti-depressants may be kickin' in...

Mom went to visit Dad and to take back more clean laundry. Dad's right hand is looking almost normal, but his left hand is still swollen. His CNA is taking such good care of him and calls him, "Papa". Mom thanked her profusely for all her care and concern for him.

When I had visited Dad last week, I had taken a picture my grandson drew for him and taped it to the cupboard to his closet so Dad can view it from his bed. Dad had asked for some pictures of the boys, so Mom brought in two recent ones and taped them beside the picture. I think it would be a good idea to get a photo album for Dad and fill it with every one's pictures so he can flip through it and see all the faces of those who love him so...

They brought Dad a hardy lunch of steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, mixed veggies, two slices of whole wheat bread, pudding, milk and coffee. Course he polished it off in a hot second, and his Angel CNA, brought him a cheese sandwich on wheat bread, knowing he would still be hungry. He not only finished that with gusto, but also a bag of almonds Mom brought, along with a 100 calorie snack pack! Sure nothing wrong with Dad's appetite!!

Mom read the Bible and his Daily Bread to him, but he kept looking off into space as if he was not really interested. He started rambling about bad vibes, but Mom quickly encouraged him to remember what my brother told him yesterday, to concentrate on the good.

She thought he looked tired, so she leaned in to kiss him good bye, and was pleasantly surprised to get a few compliments from Dad. He told her how pretty she looked and when would she be back to see him. That really shows Dad is feeling better! Maybe those anti-depressants are finally kickin' in...

He told Mom I had called and told him I loved him and he had told me he loved me too. What a wonderful gift that he remembered that...I tell him every night, even when I don't speak with him, when I say my prayers...

Taco Ready steak burrito with a bag of spicy carrots...

Today, my youngest brother, dressed in his rock guitar tee shirt, sunglasses and new spiky hair cut, went to visit Dad. Course, he never goes empty handed. He brought Dad a Taco Ready steak burrito with a bag of spicy carrots. Since Dad's hands were still swollen, my brother almost lost a finger feeding it to Dad! How Dad LOVES Taco Ready!!!

Normally, that would be a meal in itself for most folks, but not Dad. His lunch arrived, and my brother fed all that to him too... PLUS ice cream. He brought Dad 3 more Palmeria flowers in a zip lock baggie. Dad enjoyed my brother opening and shutting the bag for him so he could take in the beautiful scent of the flowers.

Dad has a silver fox crew cut goin' on...thanks to the pic my brother sent via his cell phone. Most of his darker gray is gone and just a "snowy cap" is left. He told "Pops" to pose for me so I could see his new hair cut. Dad has a big smile on his face. My brother told Dad it was too bad they did not have any styling gel, so he could "spike" his hair for the picture. Dad laughed and told his son he wanted to look "cool" like he did.

My brother made me laugh when he told me how next time he is bringing his "buzzer" to trim Dad's eyebrows. He told me how "unorganized" they were so he combed and styled them for Dad.

Dad also enjoyed the Orange Tropical chewing gum my brother brought, not to counteract the scent of the Plumeria flowers...(no doubt), he thinks of everything!

He read Dad from his Daily Bread and showed him pictures of his dogs. Dad loves animals, so I know how much he must have enjoyed that. They did some praying together and when Dad began talking about the "good and the bad angels", he reminded Dad to only be concerned with the good ones...

Ooooohhh, my poor little Papa...

Couldn't get a hold of Mom at home, so I called her cell. Found her visiting Dad. Now his left hand is also swollen! He was yelling in pain when the staff was changing his sheets. One nurse had to hold up both his hands to prevent them from not being elevated and causing pain due to the swelling.

Poor Dad can't even feed himself or go to the restroom, so he must rely on the staff to do that for him. Mom said his new "do" looks good. It is not a buzz cut, it is a crew cut. Hopefully one of my siblings will take a photo with their cell phones and send it to me. Mom has no clue how to use her cell camera much less send it via email...

I told Mom his left hand was swollen right after he went into the nursing home in Glendora. They put ice on it and it went down after a couple of days. When I was talking to Mom, I could hear the nurse come in and tell Mom they were going to do an x-ray and take blood tests.

I left another message for Dad's primary doctor, and AGAIN he did not call me back. I am going to call every hour on the hour until he calls or one of the nurses gives me the common courtesy of some kind of a response!! I left messages every day this week for Pete's sake!!! I wanted the doctor to know the same thing happened in early June with his left hand being swollen.

When I called the charge nurse this afternoon, he still did not have the blood results, but he said the x-ray showed osteoarthritis in his left hand (no change since June 8, 2009). He said the right hand was degenerative joint disease. He thought the swelling had gone down in Dad's right hand, and Dad did not want a pain pill earlier... so hopefully, he will be better soon.

I spoke with Dad earlier when I called Mom. Dad was very talkative and his voice was deep and fairly normal. He was very fixated on the pain in his hands. When I tried to change the subject and told him everyone thinks he looks very handsome with his new hair cut, he applied what I said to his hands. Then his lunch came... I know I come second to food these days, so I barely had time to tell him I loved him before Mom chimed in, telling me she had to hang up because his lunch had arrived.

At least he is eating well, taking his meds and seems more resigned to living in a nursing home. I feel very comfortable with the nursing staff and CNAs. They seem very caring and compassionate. I have never seen Dad looking neglected. Even Mom said the staff kept coming in and checking on Dad...sure glad, because he definitely cannot ring his buzzer!!!

Sweet dreams little Papa...we all love you so very, very much....

Dad got a buzz cut...

Found out my second to the oldest brother visited Dad yesterday. He said Dad looked good with his new buzz cut. Say good-bye to his Clint Eastwood look... I kinda liked it...

He said Dad looked a lot healthier having gained some weight. I noticed the other day he was sporting a little belly action. My brother said mentally Dad can't finish a thought or a sentence. I keep imagining Dad's brain... The CT Scan showed his brain was so atrophied, the doctors were "blown away" he could still talk. I can't help but imagine all the short circuited neutrons and mental connectors in his brain. It seems like Dad had a forest fire in his brain cells and so much has gone...

Been trying to call and talk to the nurse and there is no answer. The operator said she is probably dispensing the meds. I'll try back in an hour... Just want to check in on him and the status of his hand. I will try to talk with him as well.

It is almost 9:30pm and I finally spoke with the charge nurse. She said Dad was more alert and talking more, but staying in bed. His hand still hurts. He has degenerative joint disease in his right hand, so that really limits him. Basically, it is old bones...I wonder if he should take some calcium. They are keeping his hand elevated with ice packs and giving him pain pills at night so he can sleep. The nurse told me she really liked his new hair cut.

I wanted to talk with him, but he was asleep...sweet dreams Dad. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Back to my long list of things to do...

Still sore..especially my back. Had to ease into the day... Crashed pretty early last night right after dinner, so had to post yesterday's blog...

Spent the day unpacking and doing laundry. Bit by bit, working on my de-clutter project...

Called the nursing home to check on Dad. The nurse told me Dad's hand is still swollen and they are continuing the ice bag treatments. He's hangin in...being a good lil Papa taking his meds and eating all his food.

Still no call backs from both his doctors. Ticks me off! After my blood test tomorrow, I plan on harassing their offices to get someone to return my calls. The nurse said one of my brothers visited Dad today...but not sure which one was there...

Still tired and sore...think it is time to call it a night...

Back to Nevada...post for 8-18-09

Woke up this morning feeling like someone slammed me repeatedly with a 2 x 4. So sore from lifting, moving boxes and hauling bags into Mom's garage. Wanted to lie back down and sleep for another 8 hours, but I had to pick up my girlfriend at 10:00am.

Got to my friend's house around 10:30am and we visited for awhile with her best friend who is leaving on vacation up to Oxnard to stay for a week on the beach... OH HOW GOOD THAT SOUNDS!!!

We left around 11:30am and and stopped in Baker for a bathroom break and to have some lunch around 1:45pm. Had to have a few Diet Pepsis to get my eyes to stay open. We left Baker around 2:30pm and got to my friend's house a little before 4:00pm.

My sister called. She and Mom went to visit Dad. They brought Dad more cornbread and a chocolate shake. More 100 calorie snack packs for his drawer and some chapstick, cause his lips looked dry yesterday. When they arrived, Dad had just finished a big hamburger dinner, but had no problem devouring both items they brought him. He looked more rested and kept his eyes open, looking more alert. His right hand was still red but less swollen. They asked the nurse for an ice bag and put it on his hand.

My sister noticed Dad still had some ketsup on his fingers from his dinner, so she wet a wash cloth and was attempting to clean his fingers on his left hand. Dad jerked his hand away from her like she had hurt him. Again, he seems to be very sensitive to touch...

Mom hung up and put away his clean laundry.

Dad was talkative, but did not make a lot of sense. He doesn't seem able to complete a thought or a sentence. They just allowed him to ramble and they intently listened. He recognized both mom and my sister, despite staring at the ceiling and out the window quite frequently. I think they feel it was not a good visit when Dad is like that; but, I feel Dad no longer has a social filter. He no longer is concerned if his actions seem rude or bored. I think since his psych meds were switched to the evening instead of the morning, he is awake more during the day and he has always been curious...

He has always had a vivid imagination too. The other day, when I was visiting him myself, he told me he was looking for ways to improve his room. I imagined him decorating it in his mind and that made me smile, because he was using his imagination and that keeps him occupied.

Thank you Lord for a good visit before I leave...

I have been sorting and organizing Dad's things in his room the last couple of days. Kind of difficult because for me, this type cleaning is not done until after a death. Mom is having her grand daughter move in the end of this month. My niece will help Mom and keep her company while she works and attends nursing school.

I went to visit my oldest daughter and two grandsons this morning in Beaumont, then back to Covina to pick up Mom and go visit Dad. When we arrived, we had to walk behind the nursing home to the Finance manager's office to deliver some billing. When we arrived in Dad's room, he told us he had seen us walking past his room.

I was so excited he was so much more talkative! Figures, since I called both his psychiatrist and his primary care physician to ask them both to examine Dad. I left messages telling them both how concerned we were about Dad. How he acted "numb" and "like he was in a trance".

I will have to call them both tomorrow and withdraw my request. Maybe Dad was just getting readjusted to the nursing home.

As we were standing, talking with Dad. I noticed Dad's right hand. It had a localized red area that was swollen and sore. Dad could not remember for sure, he thought he banged it on something. I knew it was not there yesterday. We told the nurses and they had already noticed it and given him extra strength Tylenol. They were trying to get in touch of Dad's doctor. They had the radiologist come with the portable x-ray machine and x-ray Dad's hand. Later, the nurse called and said nothing was broken, so doctor prescribed some pain medicine for Dad...if he needs it.

Dad had a skin care treatment before we arrived. They put Dad in shorts so his legs could allow the lotion to soak in. I noticed his feet looked so much better today.

Dad ate every morsel of food on his dinner plate. He had barbecued beef sandwich, carrot and raisin salad, french fries, coffee, milk, and a cookie. Of course he was still hungry, so we gave him two of his 100 calorie snack cookies and then two strawberry ice cream cups.

I told Dad I was driving back to Nevada tomorrow, but we would be back in September. He thanked me for "all my loving care" and gave me a little Papa-doots smile... I feel so much better going back, knowing we had a good visit.

Mom sat and chatted with Dad, holding his "good" hand. I just could not believe the difference from one day to the next. We changed him into some warmer pants and kissed him good night. His lips were still cold from the ice cream cups, so Mom called him "Mr. Cool" (which was the name of the ice cream). Dad smiled at that...

When I talked to the nurse later that night, he told me Dad had gotten up and walked the halls a little and then got back into bed and was sleeping. He took his meds with no problems and is eating well at every meal.

I looked on the little tag on Dad's dinner tray and it said, "Food dislikes: NONE!" How true is that! Seems all his little food quirks have fallen by the way side. He now says, "Oh boy" and "more" when we were feeding him (due to his sore hand). It made Mom and I crack up at how he was scarfing the food down!!

It is 1:30am and I have a long drive tomorrow. I have no business still being up... but Mom and I made some progress in Dad's room, and I helped her with some computer stuff and we shared some time together one on one... She always feels she has to compete with my lap top...

Am I looking for something that is just not there?

When Mom and I checked in at the nurses station at the nursing home, the charge nurse, told us Dad had taken his meds and eaten both his breakfast and lunch. She said he was being " a good Papa", and Dad had been walking around the halls most of the morning.

Mom and I brought clean clothes, some socks, shoes, his slippers and another pair of sandals for Dad. We brought him some cornbread with honey spread, which he loved and really "perked up" for... Food seems to be a real motivator and something that peaks his interest.

I asked Mom to read her book out in the lobby, so I could be "one on one" with Dad. I thought I could evoke more conversation from him that way...

Dad seems almost disconnected. He did not have his usual reaction toward me when I came into the room. He was staring at the wall in front of him with one hand in his lap and one hand stuck inside the wet wipes dispenser. Almost suspended, like he forgot why he was reaching for the wipes. He looked at me with kind of a "blank stare", as if he was not sure who I was. It kind of seemed like he was in a trance. He seems to move in slow motion. Often, he would look away from me and gaze and search the wall, like he was looking at something.

At times, he seemed annoyed or upset. Some times angry or agitated. I would hold his hand, hug him, kiss him or tell him I loved him and he seemed to "tune in" a little more...but still seemed distant... like a kite flying high above my head, and I had to pull him in.

If I sat down too close to his legs, or hugged him too tight, he reacted like I had hurt him. Periodically, Dad would kind of gasp or shiver, like he had a chill, yet his hands were warm and he said he was not cold.

As my brothers visits the past few days, Dad repeatedly mentioned the same phrases, "It's all part of the plan", "It's all about Mom's plan" and "It's all about God's plan". Those were the biggest sentences he used, except for "I like ice cream", so I went and got him some strawberry ice cream from the nurse.

He seemed like a little child when I would give him the ice cream and the 100 calorie snack packs. I offered him a choice, the chocolate grasshoppers or the pecan sandies...and he told me he wanted BOTH. Then he literally inhaled them, shoving several in his mouth at a time.

As I was helping Dad get more comfortable, I noticed his legs are so thin, as if his calves have shrunk. His feet are a bright purplish red. It feels like something is wrong. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I will call both his primary and psychiatrist and ask them to examine Dad soon.

Dad's room mate was not comatose today...he was AWAKE and making noises and kept letting out the most fiendish cackle... I felt so bad for Dad to have to listen to that. I decided to read the Bible to Dad, and in doing so, it seemed to calm down his room mate as well, because he was suddenly quiet. Dad closed his eyes and calmed down too.

I was there about 2.5 hours and Dad seemed to be tired. I told him to rest because his dinner would be there in about an hour.

When I usually look into Dad's eyes and tell him I love him, I can see the love he felt from me in his eyes and the love he was giving me. He told me, "I know" and I started to tear up...he said he loved me too...but I just felt so incredibly sad. I feel like dad is either giving up, or its the combination of his meds or he is sinking more into the black hole and Alzheimer's is claiming more of him...

Am I looking for something that is just not there? Is it simply the natural course of this horrible disease?

The food keeps rollin' in, along with more fear...

My second to the youngest brother went to visit with Dad this morning. He brought Dad a 5 inch cinnamon roll and Dad polished it off in short order, followed by some milk and a glass of water.

They sat out on the patio of the nursing home for almost an hour. Again, Dad was not very talkative, just short answers or comments. My brother showed Dad pictures of his grandson's football scrimmages.

One of the student doctors told my brother that he and Dad had a conversation about the Dodgers in the morning, but then when the student asked Dad who the President was, Dad replied, "No comment". Shortly thereafter, Dad seemed to shut down verbally and was not saying much.

My brother is growing a goatee, so I am not sure if Dad fully recognized him right away. No doubt he recognized his voice.

Our youngest brother and his girlfriend visited Dad this afternoon. They brought Dad a vanilla shake and a cheeseburger. He brought Dad some more of that gum he liked too. Hope we don't sabotage the appeal of the nursing home's meals. We're just trying to get some weight on Dad...

He was happy to see Dad's eye is looking a lot better. Evidently the eye drops the primary doctor prescribed are working. Dad kept repeating, "It's all part of the plan", "Mom and him had a deal" and "Mom had invested in him". He said Dad kept repeating these same things over and over. He had a few more phrases that he used to try and communicate what he was trying to say, but neither my brother or his girlfriend could decipher what it applied to or figure out what he meant.

When my brother told Dad he loved him, Dad told them, "I love you both". That made them both smile and ended their visit on a positive note. Dad may not have a lot to say these days, but he knows who we are, we are visiting with him daily, and he loves us. Later, when my brother and I were discussing their visit over the phone, my brother said it is kind of unrealistic to expect to have philosophical conversations with Dad, because his ability to speak is going to become less and less as time goes on.

I am going to see Dad tomorrow and Monday. I want to call his primary care doctor and have a discussion with him about Dad. I need to find out why he switched Dad's heart medication from Atenol to Digoxin. I want to know if depression and lethargy are side effects. I want to talk with his Psychiatrist as well. I know he views Dad as depressed, so he may view Dad's semi silence as part of it too...

Dad, I know you are in there, so maybe I can take you out for a walk to pep you up... I just have this impending doom feeling that I cannot shake. My brother who visited Dad this morning, sent a picture of Dad eating his cinnamon roll. Neither my sister nor I liked the look in Dad's eyes. I just feel haunted by it and have to see Dad to really know how he is.

I know the black hole of Alzheimer's is looming "out there" gathering darkness and making it's hole deeper and wider for Dad to fall into to. We all know it, but we are not at all ready for it...

There is nothing wrong with Dad's appetite...

This morning my sister, mom and myself went to visit Dad. We stopped at Starbucks for Dad's favorite zucchini-nut muffin, but they were sold out. I selected an apple fritter and some banana walnut bread. We went to Mc Donalds for some of their delicious senior 98 cent decaf coffee to go with the sweets...

When we arrived, Dad and the CNA were standing outside the spa. She was attempting to brush his hair, still wet from the shower. We all went into Dad's room and waited while she gave Dad a shave. I combed Dad's hair and we got him all settled so we could give him his "surprise treat".

When we brought out the coffee and sweets, Dad couldn't get the coffee lid off fast enough, and was diving into the bag with the apple fritter. As he was shoveling it into his mouth, clearly enjoying himself, I suggested he might want to save the banana bread until later...

The Rehab nurse came in and asked us if Dad would be having therapy and I told her he would. By the time she left and I turned around, Dad had finished everything and was looking very satisfied reclined on his bed. So much for saving the banana bread til later...

Over all, Dad was quiet and mellow. Maybe a bit overwhelmed. Possibly the three of us in the room were too much. Mom told Dad his sister called and Dad looked at Mom like he did not know who she was talking about. We all think Dad could be losing his long term memory.

I left briefly, to find the Social Worker to inquire about Dad's Opthamologist exam. Dad was examined on July 27 th, so his bifocals have been ordered and should come in September. I also got him on the list to see the Dentist, the Podiatrist and to get a hearing aid.

I checked with the nurse about Dad taking his meds and making sure they were following the orders from East Valley. Dad had eaten 90% of his breakfast, so there is nothing wrong with Dad's appetite! I asked the nurse to change me to the number one contact and made Mom second. Mom seems to be a lot less stressed, so not having to worry about the phone calls will really help her.

Staff continued to pop in and welcome Dad back and to greet us. I have spoken with several of the staff over the phone, but had never met them. It was good to match a voice to a face.

Dad didn't say much this visit... but he was not complaining either. Maybe he had a delayed reaction to another move and felt disoriented. He knew who we were though, and that is always a positive...

A classy place for a classy guy...

Left Nevada with my girlfriend at 6:45 am and dropped her off at her best friend's house in San Dimas at 9:30 am. The drive out went so quickly, it seemed like only an hour...

After visiting for awhile, I was back on the road headed to Mom's house. We went to Coco's and enjoyed a great lunch with good conversation. Next, we picked up a cheeseburger with grilled onions for Dad and a vanilla shake from In and Out.

When we walked into Dad's new room, 38 C, he was wearing his lounge pants, white tee shirt, socks and his sandals, sacked out, sound asleep on his bed. He still needs a hair cut, but it looks kinda cool, longer. He had a little whisker action going on and I thought he looked like Clint Eastwood. I walked over and rubbed his arm gently. He opened his eyes and said, "Hi Donna Dee"... that really warmed my heart. His eyes were bright blue and totally alert.

I told him I had a surprise for him. His reaction was like a little kid, so excited to hear what it was. I pulled out the cheeseburger and shake and he was already sitting himself up to eat. I raised his bed and placed a napkin into the top of his tee shirt. We could tell he was savoring every bite. I am amazed he did not get "brain freeze" the way he sucked the straw on the shake!

I unpacked and organized his belongings which had been kept in the nursing home's Social Worker's office. Dad had been moved out of the other room with the two roommates... (the one with the noisy radio). Now Dad has only one roommate, who is sleeping and bedridden.

Dad looked around the room, and told us, "This sure is a classy place"... and I told Dad, " A classy place, for a classy guy". His face just lit up with a huge smile. I just LOVE seeing my Dad smile...

We visited a while longer, and I was so happy to find Dad so engaged in the conversation and in us. Looking at us and really being "tuned in". Mom told Dad he looked real good, and Dad replied, "You don't look so bad yourself" and we all laughed.

Several of the staff stopped in to welcome Dad back and say hi to us. Dad mentioned he was still hungry, so I ask the CNA to get Dad two PB & Js on wheat bread with some non fat milk. I gave Dad some more hugs and kisses and told him I would see him tomorrow. My sister and I are going to pop over and visit him before we head off to our Scrap booking get together.

As we were leaving, the Admissions Director grabbed Mom to sign some more papers. That took up so much time, I had to drive Mom to her hair appointment. I waited for her and I was so tired I was nodding off in the hair dryer chair.

I had to stop for a caffeine dose before we drove out to La Verne to watch my nephew's football practice and visit with my second to the youngest brother. Mom had a difficult time watching her grandson bang helmets and tackle his team mates...

Got home just before dark. Mom made us a delicious lamb chop dinner, with fresh corn on the cob and beets. My sister arrived to spend the night with us and brought chocolate dipped macaroons for dessert. Yum!

I feel so grateful to see Dad so alert and happy... it just made my day...

Another day closer to seeing Dad...

Early tomorrow morning my girlfriend and I are driving to California. I'll drop her off at her daughter's house on my way to Mom's. We are going for our quarterly Digital Scrap booking Fest weekend, plus staying two extra days to visit family.

I just called the psych ward and spoke with both the Social Worker and the Meds Nurse. They had planned to discharge Dad today, but looks like it will be tomorrow. I spoke to Mom last night, and she said the psych ward had switched the distribution of his Namenda 10mg and his Lexapro 15 tab at night instead of in the morning, hoping he will sleep less during the day. I confirmed that this morning.

His energy level is very low. I would imagine that might present a problem with him at night having to use the restroom and being so groggy. I asked the nurse to ask the CNA to watch for Dad falling or for needing assistance to clean himself up in the morning.

It sounds like Dad is getting tired of living the "nursing home life" and the bathroom routine is wearing him down. I know he lives for our visits. Poor Dad has never been very good at adapting or spontaneous things. He has always been a dreamer who dreams. His habitual procrastination, unfortunately, was the demise of many of his dreams and plans...

He has always been extremely particular with precise ideas how he wanted things done. His plans were immobilized with his need to be a perfectionist. If it could not be perfect, it was not worth showing anyone. His self criticism would eventually result in shelving his project for later after more research. If he was doing something for someone else, he would throw himself into it completely, but for himself, it was a huge challenge.

I have learned so much from his examples. His ways taught me not to succumb to perfectionism, because basically, it is born from ego. Ego is all about oneself. Now, I view perfectionism as a one way street to not get anything accomplished. All those futile efforts end up feeding back on oneself and everyone can see it except the person obsessed with it. The person ends up exhausted, unhappy, dis-satisfied and full of regret.

I spoke with Dad last night during Mom and my sister's visit. My sister called me so Dad could visit with me on her cell. He sounded so tired, so confused, so fragmented and like it was a struggle to keep engaged in our conversation. I told him I would bring him hugs and kisses in two days along with an In and Out vanilla shake. I prayed and Dad kept repeating "yes" and I had him repeat our favorite verses to calm us down, "Lord, please keep me in your Spirit" and " I am a child of God and He loves me".

I need to physically see Dad. To sit in his presence and absorb how he is. To get a personal feel for his state of health. My sister thought Dad seemed out of breath. There is definite possibility Dad's health is declining faster than his mental deterioration. I will see and know more tomorrow...

A little piece of heaven...

My youngest brother just called and told me what a great visit he had with "Pops" (that's what he calls Dad). On his last visit with Dad he had told Dad about the Plumeria flower and Dad was not familiar with them. He had told Dad they were very popular in Hawaii and women wear them behind their right ear if they are looking for a man, and behind their left ear if they are taken.

He had a discussion with some of his friends about it as well, and one of my brother's good friends had such a bush, and bought him a starter plant. My brother had planted it and it began blooming like crazy, so he brought one in for Dad.

When he reminded Dad of the flower and then handed it to Dad to smell. Dad gave my brother a huge, bright smile after taking in a long sniff of the fragrance. Dad repeatedly brought it up to his nose and enjoyed the wonderful aroma, smiling bigger each time. He told Dad, "Hey Pops, that's a little piece of heaven right there," and Dad obviously agreed.

As my brother read some verses from Dad's bible to him, he stopped and asked Dad if he would like some gum. Dad really likes Altoids Cinnamon gum that come in a tin. My second to the youngest brother got Dad started on it. This time, my brother offered a spearmint type. Dad took a bite and his eyes just lit up with the fresh, minty, explosion of flavor in his mouth.

They had a discussion about good versus evil. Dad seemed preoccupied with the evil and my brother quickly reminded him "if Dad has God in his heart, evil does not stand a chance". My brother told Dad how he knew how loving Dad is. Dad tried to apologise for the past and not spending enough time with him, and my brother told him one apology was enough. He did not have to apologize ever again. It is forgiven. God knew how loving Dad was and holds him close to His heart. That brought another big happy smile to Dad's face.

He told Dad how much he loved him and got a "whisker rub" from Dad. He left the sweet smelling flower on the bed stand beside Dad's bed, along with a pack of gum. Sounds like a great visit. My brother always goes to visit Dad with positive energy and looks for only the upbeat. I think that is a great plan when visiting Dad...

A difficult journey...

I talked to Dad yesterday and was so relieved to hear his voice sounding more normal. It's clear his short term memory is severely impaired, and he is very confused. He thinks he is still at the nursing home. I reminded him I am coming to see him on Thursday, bringing him lots of hugs and kisses. I asked if I could bring anything else to him and vanilla shakes were his request.

I spoke with his meds nurse and asked her to ask the doctor to lower his dosage of the anti-depressants. She told me it takes 3 weeks to fully level out to see the results in a patient. We discussed Dad getting the Ensure shakes 3 times a day instead of once, and to remove him from the restricted diet. We can now bring him outside food into the psych ward. Course, we have no doubt have to "smuggle it" past the other patients.

Being in the midst of this difficult journey dredges up so many thought patterns. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind. The grief, sadness, over-protectiveness toward Dad not being able to look out for himself... It all swarms around me and tightens like a giant fist squeezing my chest. The burden of it is unbearable at times. Some times I feel I cannot take a full, deep breath.

I cannot help but imagine when I lie in my bed at night, thinking of Dad lying in that horrible place with shouting and screaming. Does he take himself to another place? Does he sink deeper into depression? Does he wonder how he got there? Maybe his delusions of getting a job as a Missionary give him hope and something to look forward to...

There is no way I can make sense of it. This journey we are all on is the same path, yet we may each take different alternate routes looking for a short cut. I can busy myself with no problem, but Dad is always with me. I see his face before me when I close my eyes and say prayers for his protection... and for all of us to have what we need to get through this...

Some times, when I find myself doing something he used to do, I wonder if I will end up like Dad. The thought terrifies me. The terror of it makes me less rigid, and wanting to be more compliant. I am referring only to my private life and relations to others. When it comes to being Dad's Advocate, I will not rest, I will be tenacious and diligent. I will not drop the ball, I will not give up. I have to stay on top of everything and make sure he is getting the best care we can possibly get for him.

I need to call my siblings and hear their voices. I need to know they are OK as well. This is just so difficult. I believe in God, but some days, it is so hard to understand why God would allow Dad to suffer this way, when Dad has been such a good person and such a faithful servant of the Lord...

What IS this foreign land....

Dad is still looking for the foreign land he is suppose to be in...Mom and my sister went to visit Dad today at the psych ward. They found him wandering the halls. They took him out to the patio and my sister called our brother who lives in Ohio. She said Dad came alive and made more sense talking with him.

Dad's right eye is all goopy again..my sister got a doctor to look at it. He thought Dad had an eye infection and will prescribe some eye drops. It sounds like Dad is losing his spunk...I think it is those damn anti-depressants. How can he have Alzheimer's, be on Alzheimer medication AND anti-depressants??? I am going to look into that. I just don't like the way his voice sounds. It sounds so weird...

Dad keeps talking about this foreign land... somewhere he wants to go...I wonder if he means heaven? Dad is looking so weak and frail...he weighs 110 pounds. My Lord, he is literally wasting away! Are we ever going to get him OUT OF THERE!!???

Thank God Dad still knows who we are...I can't imagine going into that hell hole and having Dad not even recognize us...we can't feel we are deserting him when we finish a visit and walk out of that place...knowing Dad can't.

My step-son is visiting and I am trying so hard to put a smile on my face and stay connected. I feel like my body is here...but my heart and mind are in California wanting to be with my Dad, Mom, sister and brothers...

Got some answers and talked to Dad...

Called Dad on the psych ward pay phone and finally made contact!! His voice really sounds weird, not like his normal voice. Is it caused from the anti-depressant? He was chewing his favorite cinnamon Altoids gum my second the youngest brother brings to him. He kept holding the phone too close to his ear, so for a a minute or two I had a loud beeeeeeeeeep in my ear! I asked if he was visiting his friends there and he told me he was. I asked if he was talking about the Lord with them, and again, he was. He told me he was seeking the truth...

I agreed with him and thanked him for always teaching me the truth. He changed the subject and told me he was suppose to be in a foreign land...but could not remember where it was... I asked if he had watched any television programs about foreign lands, and he told me he had and what a great program it was.

I told him I was coming to see him next Thursday and I had lots of hugs and kisses for him. He told me he loved hugs and kisses... Suddenly he told me he had to go to the restroom and we said good bye...

I did make contact with the Social Worker today and she told me the Psychiatrist had stopped the Seraquil on Dad on 7/31/09 and had started him on the anti-depressant Lexepro on 7-30-09. The doctor had increased the Lexepro on 8-5-09. She did not know why, so I called the Psychiatrist's office and spoke with his nurse. Dad's main doctor is out of the country, so I asked for his Associate to contact me. I want to know if he was taken off the Seraquil for the Lexepro due to conflict? Is the Seraquil not working? (I know Dad particularly would refuse to take that medication and would refer to it as "the bad one"). Can an elderly patient with dementia take that medication safely?

I also told both the Social Worker and the Psychiatrist's office I wanted to be notified if Dad's medications are changed, stopped or re-started. I want to stay on top of these drugs they are giving Dad. I am thinking that is why his voice sounds "funny" because of the anti-depressant.
I will have to ask my siblings to check for "dry mouth", which would indicate the anti-depressant might be too strong...

Hang in there Dad....hang in there.

A day of crying and phone calls...

Today I tried to call Dad on the pay phone at the psych ward. I called 4 times. The first time some lady patient answered and told me Dad was not there. I gave her the room number and she told me that was her room... I tried again and he was asleep. Again and he was asleep... the last time, again, he was asleep. What the heck is going on???

If he slept all day, there is a good chance, he will be up all night...

Mom got a list of all his medications today at her visit. She arrived and he was in the lunch room finishing his lunch. Dad finally got shaved! She asked if she could comb his hair and he did not answer her. A lady patient was having trouble breathing, and Mom asked Dad again about taking him to his room and combing his hair. He agreed, only to lie down and close his eyes after she combed his hair...

Dad is not on the anti-psychotic meds anymore...maybe that is because he is on the anti-depressant. I tried to call the Social Worker three times, once she was in a meeting, once she was with a doctor and the third time she had already left for the day.

I called his Cardiologist and asked if he had changed Dad's heart and blood pressure medication. He hadn't, so it was Dad's primary care doctor. The cardiologist's nurse approved of the changes and took down the list of Dad's new meds.

I left a message for his primary care physician. We have decided since Dad has so little pleasures these days, why not take him off the low sodium diet and let him eat what he wants. Dad just LOVES to eat, so let him!! I think giving him the joy of enjoying his food is worth the risk to his health.

Out of frustration and sadness for what my sister is going through right now, I just broke down and sobbed for a couple hours. She and I had such a traumatic experience at the psych ward with the naked lady attacking us. I know it took so much for her to go back in to that snake pit for Dad. The fact she found him in such shabby shape, added insult to injury in seeing Dad so confused and deluded. My heart breaks when I think how heartbroken she is...

I know my second to the youngest brother is having a difficult time as well. Both of them just want their Dad back... We all do...but deep inside I feel him slipping further and further into that black hole called Alzheimer's...

I ache to see Dad...just to put my arms around him and hug his little, crooked, bony body. To look into his eyes and see him smile. To hold his hands and show him how very much he means to me. I feel so empty when I cannot hear his voice, even if what he is saying, makes no sense.

Even though I could not talk to you today Dad...I will call again tomorrow. I love you Dad. God Bless you and keep you safe through the night...

Conversations with the Social Worker...

Today I called the Social Worker over at the psych ward. I specifically wanted to know why Dad is not making any progress and why they are keeping him there so long. She explained their goal is to find his "baseline", which is the getting Dad to a base he can function from.

One of the big drawbacks, is basically Dad not taking his medication on a regular basis. I found out Dad is "his own free agent" and can make his own decisions. I thought, since we had an Advance Medical Directive and Mom and Dad had a Living Trust, those things were covered. Not the case.

The Social Worker was telling me in order to force Dad to take his meds, we would have to request Treatment for Dementia clause in their Advance Directive or have a Conservator ship. She encouraged the Conservator ship, and told us we could download the form from the LA Superior Court and file it ourselves. She said a Conservator ship contains 16 powers, but three specific powers refer to his situation that could help us down the road. I need to talk to her again by what exactly she means by that.

So far, in my research, a Conservator ship allows placing a mentally dysfunctional person into a locked unit, against their will. Is that what the Social Worker was referring to? Does she anticipate that down the road?

If Dad can refuse his medication, why can't he just refuse to stay in the nursing home? Or in the psych ward for that matter! What is the difference? Guess I have to put that one on my list of questions for tomorrow...

This whole thing is an absolute NIGHTMARE!!

I hope it never comes to having to place Dad in a locked facility...that would be more than I could even imagine.

When I talk with Dad, he still recognizes my voice... most of the time and he either tells me he loves me or responds he loves me after I tell him before I hang up. But, all the "talking" in between is usually him rambling about things that make no sense at all, bizarre comments and his ever constant obsession with the "repetitive syndrome" of having to urinate or defecate. Whatever bizarre comments he makes, such as going to Iraq and joining the Muslims has to be impressions from watching the television news. The other day, he was going to become a missionary and take care of the children.

I know Dad has been a procrastinator most of his life and if he has any connection to that, he must have many regrets and sadness. There's a lesson in there about not putting something off, and to take action to follow your dreams, no matter what.

Maybe it is the distance and being away from Dad, reading all my families emails, but I feel God gave us a miracle on Father's Day. Since then, he seems to be in a steady down hill decline. It is highly doubtful, Dad will get any better...

My youngest brother said it best, "We need to look for all the positives we can on our visits with Dad"... "If Dad knows who we are, that is a positive"...

Gotta get Dad outta there....

We gotta get Dad outta there! My Mom and Sister went to visit Dad tonight and my sister thought Dad looked "homeless". His hair was long and untidy, he had about 5 days growth and we are so used to seeing him look neat and squared away. Dad recognized her, but he made absolutely no sense when she talked with him. She gave him an anniversary card and he looked at it with a blank stare as if he had no clue he had been married to Mom for 64 years.

Mom helped Dad with his hearty dinner, cutting up his peaches and green beans. Dad woofed down the spaghetti, veggie stew, and cake for dessert. His appetite has returned... or maybe he just likes the psych ward's food better.

I called the Social Worker this morning about Dad's lost glasses. She asked me if Mom had told me that the glasses were not lost, Dad had given them away. Apparently, Dad told Mom he gave them to someone who needed them more than he did. I really don't think Dad can focus or concentrate on reading to understand what he is reading. He used to read the Bible every day.

I agree with my Sister, I am beginning to think the medication is NOT helping Dad. I am going to call the Social Worker again and ask her to explain what the Psychiatrist is doing or trying to accomplish with Dad. I have decided I'd rather talk to his associate. Mom said he actually talked with her and showed concern for Dad. That's more than I can say for the lead Psychiatrist...

Talk about feeling totally helpless. My sister says Dad, as we know him, is fading away and she hardly recognizes him anymore. She told me to prepare myself for a shock when I see him next week.

I also want to find out when Dad will return to Garden View. He needs a hair cut. Again, so much of this is sadly familiar. My Mother in Law was an immaculate woman who was always stylishly dressed and perfectly accessorized. When she had Alzheimer's, she used to wear the same clothes every day. I think she used to sleep in her clothes. When I would suggest another outfit, she would insist she just washed and ironed what she had on. She was not even allowed to have an iron, let alone the ability to wash her clothes.

This is just too sad...

My two precious daughters left this morning at 5:45 am and arrived in California by 9:40am. That was the fastest, most fun, five days, I have had in a long while. It was so very good to spend that time with them. My step-son arrives on Thursday... some thing else to look forward to...

Not a whole lotta sense goin' on... For August 3, 2009

Both Mom and my 2nd to the youngest brother visited Dad today. Both found him to be very confused. Mom checked, and the psych ward wants to keep him for 2-3 more days. It's so bizarre how Dad seems to prefer the psych ward to the nursing home... He has been taking his meds and having a better appetite too. Mom says he needs a hair cut. His 2nd pair of glasses is gone. I will call tomorrow and see if they can find any of his glasses by the time he leaves!

I hope this is not the beginning of the end... I remember when my Mother in Law began losing things. She would never, ever allow anyone to see her without her dentures. Toward the end, she lost her dentures and did not seem to mind at all. Next her glasses went, then her jewelry.

When my brother visited with Dad, he spent much of the visit, listening to Dad complain about Mom. He is confused his primary doctor is a priest. Dad just seems to blame every little thing on Mom...

I just can't imagine what Dad must be going through. It must be like the worst drunk one could have... the kind of drunkenness when you can't remember where the car is parked, or what happened to the shoes you were wearing, or how did you get that tear in your pants and the skinned knee?? Just one woozy, uncertain, really foggy, can't remember anything state of mind...

I've never seen Dad drunk. He has always been a person who prefers to have his "wits about him" and prefers to think clearly. The sad truth is, he has not been able to think very clearly for a couple years now. What a horrible, horrible situation this is...

It would almost be better if he did not know what was going on, rather than being so confused and mixed up. At least he still knows who we are... and is concerned for our safety.

Tomorrow, Mom and Dad will have been married for 64 years...

Dad just needed to see his sons.. for August 2, 2009

For some reason, my blog for the 1st did not publish... so the dates are messed up... I will put the correct dates on the one that did not publish correctly. Last night I hit the sheets at 9 PM and was too pooped to write the blog, so I will put dates on that one as well...

Yesterday, Mom and my second oldest brother went to visit Dad. As they were driving into the parking lot of the psych ward, my youngest brother was walking out. My youngest brother told them he had walked Dad in the hallways and taken him out on the cigarette butt strewn patio for some visiting and conversation. He also told them one of the attendants had been feeding Dad his lunch when he arrived, and said he had watched him as he fed Dad. The attendant was treating Dad as tenderly as he would if Dad had been his Father... That really impressed my youngest brother, and made him feel a lot better with Dad being in there... Dad had also eaten his breakfast and taken his medication.

When Mom and my second oldest brother went in, they found Dad napping. He woke up and was so excited to see my brother!!! Dad just lit up. Dad was obviously thrilled with his visit with his youngest son, and told them all about it.

Mom discovered Dad's move to another room, so the nurses could keep an eye on him, had been done without moving his personal belongings. She told a nurse who was very upset by her discovery, and they set out to find all his stuff. When she returned, Mom and my brother basically listened, while Dad talked, and devoured the snacks they brought him. My brother bought macaroons and Mom brought him the spicy Doritos Dad just loves.

Dad went on and on with everything from the yacht they used to have back in Connecticut, to his battle days in the Marines with all his buddies. His favorite word these days seems to be repetitive in reference to his constant and steady trips to the restroom. I must remind him, that as long as he is doing that he is healthy... when he stops doing it, he is preparing to see the Lord.

Mom told him about my sister being sick and me coming out in a couple of weeks. Of course, he was worried about his daughter being ill, and looked forward to seeing me.

I had another great, but exhausting day with my daughters. We went to Lone Star for lunch (we slept through breakfast due to late night casino hopping the night before) and then each of us checked off our personal shopping lists at Target and Ross. My oldest daughter was busy finding school clothes for my grandsons, and my youngest was finding bargains for new clothes.

My oldest daughter showed me this charger/player so I can listen to my iPod in the car. We found one on sale and I got it. That will be perfect for me next time I travel to California in a few weeks.

One more day with my girls... then they drive back early Tuesday morning. Bummer...

Dad seems to be going down hill... for August 1, 2009

Mom visited Dad on Saturday, and again, he was sleeping. He had not eaten his dinner. The nurse asked Mom to see if she could get him to eat and to drink some water. She got him to eat it all as well as three glasses of water and some coffee. As soon as he finished eating, he was ready to return to sleep.

My sister in very worried Dad is shutting down. Mom is the only one seeing Dad lately. My sister is sick, and everyone else is busy or has something going. The doctor changed his heart medication because his heart is beating too fast. His medication was changed to Digoxin to slow his heart rate down and to strengthen his heart muscle.

I hope to God he is not giving up... The doctor gave him a tranquilizer, and I know that will make him sleepy. Dad takes so many medications and the doctors keep changing them, and not letting us know!

Right now, I feel kind of irked with the Psychiatrist and the doctor for not updating us and letting us know how Dad is doing. I am calling tomorrow to try and talk with Dad. It is not good that is he is laying around so much. He will end up with pneumonia again!

Dad, please hang in there! Our second oldest brother is coming tomorrow to visit him. I will be calling on Monday to find out what the heck is going on with him!!!

It seems the cards seem to continually stack higher and higher against Dad...

Please Lord, keep him safe and well. Please let him feel Your Love and Peace. Please give him a brighter outlook and to see how everyone is trying to help him. Please let him feel how much we all love him and want him to be as strong as he can be.

I am praying for you Dad... sending you lots of love and tenderness. I long to be with you.... please hang in there Dad...I will be there in 10 days...