MY JOURNEY 

I realized recently that my "organized clutter" is a symptom.  

Things and feelings I'm still holding on to for a sentimental feeling or 

misguided belief I might need it...  

I know I carry everything important within my heart...

but apparently, the clutter represents something needing further investigation.

© dkb

My husband was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's last May.

I have suspected it for sometime, but didn't want to believe it.

I was too busy taking it personally and

I chose to believe what my Mom once told me;

"God won't do that to you a 3rd time."

Obviously, God knows something Mom didn't.

I helped advocate and care for my Father and also for my husband's Mother...

but the dynamic of a spouse with it is very different.

I've learned not to reminisce about the past, because it is too sad.

I've learned not to think about the future, because it is too scary.

I must stay in the now, this moment, because that is where my husband is.

I know it won't last forever, but I am not getting any younger 

and this journey

is a very challenging one.

I know it could be worse.  It always could be worse; 

but I feel my life has shrunk, along with the family and friends I used to see 

more often.

I know part of it is me not reaching out as much...

I pretty much feel consumed and preoccupied with this hideous disease.

I make time for counseling, Alzheimer's Support Groups and 

enjoy getting out even if it is to walk our 3 year old rescue dog or go to the grocery store.

Occasionally, I have an outing with friends.

This year I am getting in-home help through out Health Insurance

and entrenched navigating filing a claim on our Long Term Home Health Care Policy.

  I find my day goes so quickly between hubby's pill doses.  

I am grateful the doses recently 

decreased from five to four.  So thankful to be able to get more rest...

Although, too frequently I have been resting by doing an activity I want to do, 

(rather than sleeping as my body and mind need me to do)

and that almost always ends up staying up too late with a cup of tea..

I love finding 'self help' quotes and writing them down.

I have quite a collection of journals over the past 9 years...

It's been 15 years since my husband lost his job and went full time into depression.

He became one with the couch.

Our relationship was changing two years before that with all the uncertainty with the economy

and the housing market falling off the preverbal financial cliff.

He was a banker after all...

It had been his 'dream job' and the reason we moved here;

four hours away from most of my family.

We attempted to move back after he lost his job...but...

as they say, "Once you move from California, it is too expensive to move back."

We were so underwater in our home financially

and everything we looked at back then, was either out of our price range

or abandoned homes with retaliation destruction.

So we had no choice.  We had to accept our reality and stay put.

As long as I could, until five years ago, 

I continued to drive back and forth to see family and friends.

2020 and COVID didn't help...but we did our best.

My Mother died. Friends died.  

We had to put our beloved Izzy girl down after 11 years with her...

We had no idea what was coming after that...

The world has changed.

People have changed.

Politics has changed people.

Values I've known since childhood, that I once thought

were the way things were suppose to be,

changed.

I learned to Meditate.

I had to.  It was a major survival tool.

I learned,

 "Worry is worshipping the problem"

-Toby Mac

I learned I have no control, sometimes over myself.

I am learning to depend on myself, but still do research, reflect and stay open.

I have learned if I do get the courage to ask for help, sometimes I get it.

I have learned the importance of staying in this moment

and treating each moment as it is.

If it bothers me and I can't do anything about it

I pretend it is a cloud in the sky and watch it until it passes or dissipates.

I'm learning to love and rely on myself.

I'm learning 

"Self-care is never a selfish act."

- Parker Palmer

I am seeing the power in Stephen Covey's quote,

"Do you spend time or do you direct it?"

I welcome all prayers humbly and gratefully.

I am evolving, learning and growing in my journey.

© dkb 

Subtle Changes....

I see the subtle changes
Words spoken in slower tones
At times confused and faltering
words and names seemingly unknowns

Changes in your rituals
The details you always use to keep
Seem to belong to another
You're sinking into the deep...

You used to be so easy to live with
Only impatient waiting for traffic and lines
Now, irritation is your daily mood
And I'm the only one seeing the signs.

© dkb

In Dedication To My Father...

Photo by Mari at 365 days

Dad always loved the outdoors,
so it is natural for me to think of him
as a tall, strong, oak tree,

with a thick trunk of integrity
 standing tall in his beliefs

branching out in quiet confidence,
leaves of grandeur, protecting us,
as much as leaves can, until winter...
for we had to learn on our own.

he always said to listen to our inner voice...
solid advice to each of us,
as we circled within our lives,
growing, expanding,
like the rings of a tree,
showing its age...of our lessons learned...

still, as an adult,
hearing his voice reminding me
of what he taught,
gentle whispers
like a breeze fluttering the leaves...

 always an example,
with his quiet wisdom,
calm inner peace...

his willingness to listen,
 instilled an individual sense of importance...

now is the dormant season for my father...
his dementia and Alzheimer's
have taken the best of his life,
 leaving him with his belief in God
as his beautiful horizon;
of which he slowly moves closer to each day...
thankfully, still remembering us,
 knowing the day will come,
when we will be friendly strangers...
life goes on, the winter winds blow,
sometimes too cold,
freezing out the strong life,
once bringing forth new, fertile growth,
making it brittle,
 laden under the burden of lifeless branches,
to break and fall,
becoming part of the earth...
memories are
all we have;
making most
of the moments...
for as long as
 we have...
closing my
 eyes, thinking
of my father
my vision
will always
see a majestic,
tall, strong oak
 tree...

I love you Dad.

~dkb~

I Am Thankful...

I am thankful

for my health,

 happiness,

 my husband,

my children,

my grand children.

I am thankful

for my Dad and Mom

my four brothers

and my sister.

I am thankful

for each and every one

of you

dear blogging buddies

who listen

who support

who share

laughter and tears.

without whom,

I would have

many lonely days.

I am thankful

to live

in these United States,

 for our

many freedoms;

despite

all the challenges

our country

now face.

I am thankful

for the food

on the table,

the roof over

our heads...

 for the Blessing

of spending time

 showing love

with my family

and friends.

~dkb~

Happy Independence Day Everyone!!!

Happy 4th of July!

May you and yours

always feel safe and free.

May you be happy,

healthy and loved.

May you spend the day

with those you love,

or cozied up in a chair

or a couch,

alone,

nappin', snackin' and watchin' TV.

May you choose to visit

your blog friends

or just have a day

for you.

May you feel free to do

whatever

is your inclination.

May you watch fireworks

with a crowd,

on TV,

 enjoy your own,

or

not.

Today is all about freedom.

~dkb ~

Thankful for moments and memories...

Thank you Lord

for holding the rain

during my travels back home

Thank you Lord

for Dad being available to talk

and no soreness from his fall

Thank you Lord

for my daughters

my precious grandsons

my family
my brothers

my bond with my sister

Thank you Lord

for the moments and memories

Made good time

 hardly any traffic

Izzy soooo excited to see me

making me smile and laugh

to see her happy face when she realized it was me

We RAN around the neighborhood

TWICE

sooooo much pent up energy

 unpacked the car

out again to drain more energy

following me from room to room

unpacking and putting away

typing now on the computer

and she lies

passed out

on her office bed

still wearing her harness and jacket

such a pooped little pup..

Waiting for my hubby

anxious to have his arms

around me

Thank you Lord

I am so very thankful

for special

moments and memories...

Mush my little sled dog...

Early morning

 drizzle

 cloud cloaked mountains

biting

 freeze

 upon my face

smiling at this precious pup

prancing and sniffing the brisk air

so cute in her pink sweater

as she lunges

and leaps

with her best sled dog pull.

All is still and quiet

neighbors still warm in their beds

 drinking hot tea or coffee...

wish I had some now...

but we must

do our best

to lighten her energy load

so she will sleep

in her crate

so I can keep doctor appointments

and Christmas shop...

Oh how good

hot chocolate would taste

right now

to warm my numb hands

forgetting my gloves

walk faster

walk faster

past all the Christmas decorations

under the glow of the street lights

up one hill

and down another

 still prancing

and I am finally warming up...

MUSH, my little sled dog

time to go home...

Happy Thanksgiving to YOU!!

May each of you

feel as full

Spiritually

as you do

nutritionally.

May thankfulness

swell inside your heart

bringing you peace and calm.

May you be over-flowing

with love and friendship,

enjoying the glow

of family and friends.

May those in pain,

have a reprieve of their suffering,

feeling the joy and

healing of laughter.

May those who are lonely,

have someone,

with two legs or four,

to share your turkey.

May you  all soak in

the dance of togetherness.

relishing a

lazy, happy,

day of good food,

good company,

and a soft place to land,

to rest and nap...

Closed due to congestion...

an elephant

and a rhino

are sitting upon my face.

i think hoofs

have become embedded

in each eye socket

pushing

my orbits

into my nasal cavity

which finds

temporary relief

from sneezing...

Quiet time for Izzy and me...

The quiet of a senior community,

Only the sounds of my foot steps,

and the jingling of her tags

The flap of an occasional flag,

the random garage door opening,

with very few cars,

The whistle of the wind,

The breeze against my sweaty brow,

as this tiny dog pulls me,

works me,

up the hills.

Time to myself to think,

to plan,

to wonder...

to be thankful,

for the company of this sweet canine,

who keeps turning back to look up,

at me,

her big brown eyes,

bright and shining

full of happiness

and joy...

A dancing leaf,

scampers by,

Quails flutter and peep

in nearby bushes,

This scruffy dog perks her ears

as our lone Harley rider

departs his rental.

as he considerately

and slowly,

rides by us

and waves...

Quiet time

for Izzy and me.

The shark in the blue box...

I was going through my journals. I have been keeping journals since I was 18, and before that, I wrote on loose paper and stored them in a blue box. At age 10, someone gave me a gift of a crucifix in that blue box. I no longer have the crucifix, but that blue box has been with me for over 50 years.

Inside that box are my letters to Paul McCartney, my thoughts of first love, poetry, stories I wrote to read to my siblings (Rothchild's Ruins) and various other treasures cherished by a preteen.

The last few days, thinking about Dad, have been rough. For some reason, a poem I wrote back in high school with my best friend, came to my mind. I went to my blue box and found it. It is pretty intense and dark, but we felt that way a lot in high school...I also had a morbid fascination of sharks and read obsessively about them.

I am the shark.

The deep dark waters of the night,

Ripple away the earth.

The weed of the sea,

Plants its black roots in the remains.

Sun casts my sight,

To find the way of sleep.

And wooden ships my fear,

Red puddles flow for me.

Squirming flesh crawls 'til surface,

Haunting screams my eternity.

Hunger my searching nightmare.

Rock is my home.

Pearls my prey.

Shells are the shoulders of my past.

The pound of the waves hides a treasure,

Opened only to the dive of time.

My kind weaves the wind that pulls the sail,

And latches the quiet of each man's rug.

There were many ways to interpret those words...and I would be interested in your interpretations, so please comment...

Yet, after all these years, the poem came back to me and brought comfort to my soul...