The Only Dream Worth Having...

A very insightful friend of mine sent me these words in an email.  The impact of the author's words struck me with insight and strength.  I googled her and found what my friend had emailed me was an excerpt from a chapter entitled, THE END OF IMAGINATION, from the above book.  I have never heard of this author, but I intend to get her book and read it.

Here are her words in my format:

**"There are other worlds.

Other kinds of dreams.

Dreams in which failure is feasible.

Honorable.

Sometimes even worth striving for.

 Worlds in which recognition

 is not the only barometer of brilliance

or human worth.

There are plenty of warriors

that I know and love,

 people far more valuable than myself,

 who go to war each day,

knowing in advance that they will fail.

True, they're less successful

 in the most vulgar

 sense of the word,

but by no means less fulfilled.

The only dream worth having...

is to dream that you will live

while you're alive

 and die

 only when you're dead.

 To love.

To be loved.

 To never forget your own insignificance.

To never get used to the unspeakable

 violence

 and the vulgar disparity

 of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

 To pursue beauty to its lair.

 To never simplify what is complicated

 or complicate what is simple.

 To respect strength,

never power.

 Above all, to watch.

 To try and understand.

To never look away.

 And never, never, to forget"

by Arundhati Roy

One could interpret these words in many different directions; living a conscious life, the economy and current times or the fact my Father is demented with Alzheimer's.

When I read the words above, I feel it describes our family's grief, sadness and pain knowing our Father, Mom's husband, is on a one way street and will not return to us the way we have known him all our lives.  Nor will we ever have the relationships we each had with him.  It is different now.  We could run and hide from what is happening, but for me, it would be the coward's path.  Love is not always packaged like it was wrapped at Nordstrom's with a pretty bow.  Real love is always changing, yet always present. It can be good, difficult, ecstatic, challenging, and wonderfully, full filling and familiar...As my 8 year old grand son says, "Love is Love."

Like Kabril Gibran says, "Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."  Roy's words, "to live while you are alive, and die when you are dead' are so profound. Reading Dad's journals has brought this subject to mind so vividly.  Another lesson Roy promotes is, "to seek joy in the saddest of places and to pursue beauty to its lair."   I just LOVE that..

I know my Father.  He has tremendous grace and faith in God.  He is kind.  He is gentle.  I believe, some how, in some small way, he remembers the essence of who he is. I can see it in his dignity and the way he lives his life now, in a nursing home. 

At first he was angry and afraid.  I think mainly because he was aware enough to know his memory, abilities and personal freedom were beginning to slip away.  He, like most anyone would, recoiled and panicked.  I can see how procrastination can skip along oblivious, only to suddenly fall into a deep, dark pit.  Falling all the way to the bottom and regretting all the things left undone...unaccomplished...unsaid....

All of it is forgotten. He now lives in the moment. I see him as a Warrior.  I see him as a brave Marine, fighting his best fight, knowing this is his last battle.  Despite the out come, he instinctively knows, it is how we live, how we love and how we fight battles, which determine our legacy.

I will "never look away" and I will "never, never, forget" him.

** Excerpt from the book THE COST OF LIVING by Arundhati Roy, Chapter: The End Of Imagination, Pages 104-105

Poor Dad Was Clipped A Little Too Close...And A Movie Review...

The Podiatrist came today and did Dad's nails.  The nursing home called me to let me know the Podiatrist had trimmed one nail too short and cut his toe!  The wound care nurse was concerned due to his circulation issues.  She left word with his Physician to look at the toe and assured me they would monitor his recovery.  She said Dad was upset and very uncomfortable. 

Dad will probably not want the Podiatrist to cut his toenails in the future.  Now I see why Dad was not more anxious to get them done.  A few other red flags have occurred that gave me pause with this guy, I think I will call the Administrator on Monday and see if there is another Podiatrist they can use...


My daughter and I enjoyed our "date" today.  We each sent pictures via our cell phones of one another being excited.  She told me she would keep my picture as her wallpaper of her phone...

Her movie started an hour earlier than mine, but we spoke afterward.  She had to eat, because she was so hungry.  When I was eating, she was home and ready to take a nap.

We both had weird reactions to the movie.  Elizabeth Gilbert wrote Eat Pray Love in more plentiful times.  I think my reaction was in part, due to our current economic times when so many are struggling financially.  It seemed abundantly self indulgent and extravagant.  I wasn't moved. Maybe it was Julia Roberts. I remember seeing an interview with the author on Oprah, and I liked Liz Gilbert...I don't know, it lost my interest, kind of like the book.  I stopped reading a good way into India.

She wanted balance, but it seemed her balance meant finding a man she could feel balanced with. I think when we each find someone with the right chemistry, physical, emotional and spiritual compatibilities, we feel like we have found nirvana.  Although there were some meaningful and good deeds done, I had a difficult time staying awake.  It fell flat for me, and I would say wait for the rental...

Bad Backs, Diving and The Creature From The Black Lagoon...

Fasted fourteen hours to test my cholesterol levels this morning.  I know my numbers will be high.  It is always way up there in the summer months, mainly because I cannot stay away from ice cream and frozen yogurt.  When it is hot outside, it is my excuse not to anything, let alone exercise.

After my appointment, I took myself out to Coco's for breakfast.  They have a special breakfast for $3.99.  Two eggs, two pieces of bacon or sausage, country potatoes and my choice of pancakes or toast.  I chose toast.  Sat there and read the book I am reading (SHADOW DIVERS by Robert Kurson).  I had tried to read it this morning while I was distracting myself from food...and Izzy got behind me on the couch, put her paws on my shoulder and kept giving me wet willies in my ear...

This book is so exciting!  I can't wait for the movie.  It is suppose to come out in 2012.  I will be buying a ticket the first day!  It was so nice to sit and relax and read to my hearts content...

I ran some errands and then came home because my back was really hurting...

I have been cleaning out our master closet the past few days...threw my back out again.  I am serious pain.  I feel like someone threw acid on my left clavicle and then stabbed me with a huge 12 inch butcher knife!  Got my ICY HOT PAK on, listening to CREED and just took a Motrin...hopefully, it will help me finish this post...

Never heard from the nurse at the nursing home yesterday, so I called.  No new orders and basically she gave me the same report Mom did.  I asked to be transferred to the social worker and then asked for Dad to be put on the list for the Podiatrist.  My last visit his feet looked like the monster from  the movie, CREATURE OF THE BLACK LAGOON... 

She assured me he was on the list.  She told me Mom had left her a voice mail too.  I complained we had visited twice (once me and once my sister) when the podiatrist had been there.  We both told the CNA we would wait while he had his nails trimmed and we were each reassured it could be done afterward.  Both times the guy left!  So hopefully, we can get him trimmed soon.

The social worker also told me Dad's new glasses arrived.  It only took two months.  They make them in the prisons.  I wanted to know his eye prescriptions to make sure he can a new prescription instead of just a replacement.  In the process of looking up his last eye exam, she told me each time Dad returns back from a hospital visit, they close out his other chart and start a new one.  WHaaaaaaaaaaat???  She explained they were short on storage space.  Is it me?  That makes zero sense to me!!

That would certainly explain the problem they have not calling me consistently about Dad!!!!  I told her I had concerns his past history would not be readily available.  She reassured me all his allergies and pertinent information is transferred over to the new chart.  Have any of you ever heard of that before?  Is this common on Medicare-Medi-Cal patients??

Today was my youngest daughter's last day of work as she begins her maternity leave.  I spoke with her tonight and she was very emotional leaving work today.  She is due to have my third grand son in two weeks.

I'm pooped...I'm hitting the sack early for a change...night, night...

Trust and rest in times of trouble...

Mom gave me this quote and I find myself reading and re-reading it...

"Nothing influences the quality of our life more than how we respond to trouble." - Erwin Tierman.

She also gave me this bible verse from MARK 4:40: It is the verse when Jesus takes his deciples into a boat and is crossing the sea when a fierce storm came up and was tossing the boat around in the high seas, waves nearly capsizing the boat. The deciples feared He would let them drown, and Jesus calmed the seas. It is then Jesus asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have so little faith?"

The copy she gave me, was from her devotional book, The One Year at His feet by Chris Tiegreen.   I really liked what it said about being afraid in times of trouble and having faith:

"The life of faith requires us to lean on an invisible source of strength and wisdom. We do not have an unfounded faith, but we learn quickly that it does not rest on our five senses. And as we trust God, we find that very real and visable storms war against our belief in the invisable God. Sooner or later,. a greater test will come and we will have to choose: Trust God or trust ourselves. We cannot do both.

At some point in this walk of faith, we must learn to detach from the things that so greatly concern us and cast them wholly on God. This feels irresponsible at first, but it is actually irresponsible not to do so. We must stop thinking of ourselves as the source of deliverance in a difficult situation. It is not up to us to save. We may be useful tools of God, but not everything is riding on us. Usually, we approach crises as though God is depending on us to do the work while He supports us in the background. We need to turn that around. We must depend on God to do the work while we are behind the scenes believing in Him. When He says to act, we must act. But most of us act far too quickly and believe much too slowly. We must be quick to believe and hesitant to interfere in God's work. By this we can keep our hearts from being so troubled, if we will really trust in Him.

How do you react in a crisis? Do you feel responsible to step in and intervene? Perhaps God will require you to do so, but rarely until you have first trusted Him with a calm heart, sought His will diligently, made yourself fully available, and waited for His timing.

When we pray and ask for God's will to be done in a given situation, we must believe that His will is, in fact, very good, and that He is quite able to accomplish it. Any asking that maintains an internal sense of panic is not genuine trust. It reveals a hidden belief that we are perhaps more critical to the situation than God is. But to trust is to rest, and the heart that is calm has learned that Jesus is above the storm."

I really like those words and take great comfort in them this weekend...