MY JOURNEY 

I realized recently that my "organized clutter" is a symptom.  

Things and feelings I'm still holding on to for a sentimental feeling or 

misguided belief I might need it...  

I know I carry everything important within my heart...

but apparently, the clutter represents something needing further investigation.

© dkb

My husband was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's last May.

I have suspected it for sometime, but didn't want to believe it.

I was too busy taking it personally and

I chose to believe what my Mom once told me;

"God won't do that to you a 3rd time."

Obviously, God knows something Mom didn't.

I helped advocate and care for my Father and also for my husband's Mother...

but the dynamic of a spouse with it is very different.

I've learned not to reminisce about the past, because it is too sad.

I've learned not to think about the future, because it is too scary.

I must stay in the now, this moment, because that is where my husband is.

I know it won't last forever, but I am not getting any younger 

and this journey

is a very challenging one.

I know it could be worse.  It always could be worse; 

but I feel my life has shrunk, along with the family and friends I used to see 

more often.

I know part of it is me not reaching out as much...

I pretty much feel consumed and preoccupied with this hideous disease.

I make time for counseling, Alzheimer's Support Groups and 

enjoy getting out even if it is to walk our 3 year old rescue dog or go to the grocery store.

Occasionally, I have an outing with friends.

This year I am getting in-home help through out Health Insurance

and entrenched navigating filing a claim on our Long Term Home Health Care Policy.

  I find my day goes so quickly between hubby's pill doses.  

I am grateful the doses recently 

decreased from five to four.  So thankful to be able to get more rest...

Although, too frequently I have been resting by doing an activity I want to do, 

(rather than sleeping as my body and mind need me to do)

and that almost always ends up staying up too late with a cup of tea..

I love finding 'self help' quotes and writing them down.

I have quite a collection of journals over the past 9 years...

It's been 15 years since my husband lost his job and went full time into depression.

He became one with the couch.

Our relationship was changing two years before that with all the uncertainty with the economy

and the housing market falling off the preverbal financial cliff.

He was a banker after all...

It had been his 'dream job' and the reason we moved here;

four hours away from most of my family.

We attempted to move back after he lost his job...but...

as they say, "Once you move from California, it is too expensive to move back."

We were so underwater in our home financially

and everything we looked at back then, was either out of our price range

or abandoned homes with retaliation destruction.

So we had no choice.  We had to accept our reality and stay put.

As long as I could, until five years ago, 

I continued to drive back and forth to see family and friends.

2020 and COVID didn't help...but we did our best.

My Mother died. Friends died.  

We had to put our beloved Izzy girl down after 11 years with her...

We had no idea what was coming after that...

The world has changed.

People have changed.

Politics has changed people.

Values I've known since childhood, that I once thought

were the way things were suppose to be,

changed.

I learned to Meditate.

I had to.  It was a major survival tool.

I learned,

 "Worry is worshipping the problem"

-Toby Mac

I learned I have no control, sometimes over myself.

I am learning to depend on myself, but still do research, reflect and stay open.

I have learned if I do get the courage to ask for help, sometimes I get it.

I have learned the importance of staying in this moment

and treating each moment as it is.

If it bothers me and I can't do anything about it

I pretend it is a cloud in the sky and watch it until it passes or dissipates.

I'm learning to love and rely on myself.

I'm learning 

"Self-care is never a selfish act."

- Parker Palmer

I am seeing the power in Stephen Covey's quote,

"Do you spend time or do you direct it?"

I welcome all prayers humbly and gratefully.

I am evolving, learning and growing in my journey.

© dkb 

A Tribute To a Marine....

Dad, 1943

A dear family friend and fellow Marine, posted this tribute to my Dad on his facebook page yesterday. Our friend Guy had come for dinner at Mom and Dad's house several years ago...  He asked Dad where he served.  When Dad told him he fought in the Battle of Tarawa, Guy stood up from his chair and saluted Dad. After dinner and further discussions and sharing, Dad presented his white belt from Dad's dress blues to Guy, which remains an honored gift displayed in his home to this day.

Here is Guy's tribute:

"An American hero and close family friend passed away peacefully in his sleep this morning.  Don H_____ was part of the third wave to land at Betio Atoll in November 1943 during the Battle of Tarawa. 

He and survivors of his landing craft, which had foundered on the sharp coral reef that was exposed by lower than expected tides, dragged a 40-millimeter anti-aircraft gun ashore.  Many Marines were shot by the defending Japanese before they even made it ashore, some drowned under the weight of their gear, but a few, like Don, made it to the relative safety of a sea wall.  He survived four days of grenade attacks, banzai charges, and incessant small arms and artillery fire to advance the equivalent of six football fields before it was all over.  That made him a veteran....  

Coming home, marrying Lynn H____, getting a job, raising his kids, paying his taxes and living another 69 years with the nightmares and scars of war made him a hero.  Farewell, old friend...and Semper Fidelis."

Ten Requests From a Person with Alzheimer's....

Thinking of Dad...

**image from Pinterest**

Hoping I can talk with Dad tomorrow... 

A Father is...

Words taken from lyrics written by Sonny Bell

image from Pinterest

“He’s a son’s first hero. He’s a daughter’s first love.” Their eyes filled with tears as they listened to the song lyrics their father had written just days before. At 47, Sonny Bell seemed too young to die. His battle with cancer began in 1998 when he was diagnosed with melanoma. It was detected early, and for eight and a half years, Sonny thought he had beaten it. In the fall of 2006, he learned he hadn’t. The melanoma had moved from his skin to his brain. For five months he fought the disease, and it seemed he was making progress. But on March 26, 2007, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. Hours later, the blood clot took his life."  -- The Lookout magazine

Magic Mirrors...

"Family faces are magic mirrors. 

Looking at the people 

who belong to us 

we see the past, 

the present, 

and the future"

 

 

Author: Gail Lumet Buckley

The Only Dream Worth Having...

A very insightful friend of mine sent me these words in an email.  The impact of the author's words struck me with insight and strength.  I googled her and found what my friend had emailed me was an excerpt from a chapter entitled, THE END OF IMAGINATION, from the above book.  I have never heard of this author, but I intend to get her book and read it.

Here are her words in my format:

**"There are other worlds.

Other kinds of dreams.

Dreams in which failure is feasible.

Honorable.

Sometimes even worth striving for.

 Worlds in which recognition

 is not the only barometer of brilliance

or human worth.

There are plenty of warriors

that I know and love,

 people far more valuable than myself,

 who go to war each day,

knowing in advance that they will fail.

True, they're less successful

 in the most vulgar

 sense of the word,

but by no means less fulfilled.

The only dream worth having...

is to dream that you will live

while you're alive

 and die

 only when you're dead.

 To love.

To be loved.

 To never forget your own insignificance.

To never get used to the unspeakable

 violence

 and the vulgar disparity

 of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

 To pursue beauty to its lair.

 To never simplify what is complicated

 or complicate what is simple.

 To respect strength,

never power.

 Above all, to watch.

 To try and understand.

To never look away.

 And never, never, to forget"

by Arundhati Roy

One could interpret these words in many different directions; living a conscious life, the economy and current times or the fact my Father is demented with Alzheimer's.

When I read the words above, I feel it describes our family's grief, sadness and pain knowing our Father, Mom's husband, is on a one way street and will not return to us the way we have known him all our lives.  Nor will we ever have the relationships we each had with him.  It is different now.  We could run and hide from what is happening, but for me, it would be the coward's path.  Love is not always packaged like it was wrapped at Nordstrom's with a pretty bow.  Real love is always changing, yet always present. It can be good, difficult, ecstatic, challenging, and wonderfully, full filling and familiar...As my 8 year old grand son says, "Love is Love."

Like Kabril Gibran says, "Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."  Roy's words, "to live while you are alive, and die when you are dead' are so profound. Reading Dad's journals has brought this subject to mind so vividly.  Another lesson Roy promotes is, "to seek joy in the saddest of places and to pursue beauty to its lair."   I just LOVE that..

I know my Father.  He has tremendous grace and faith in God.  He is kind.  He is gentle.  I believe, some how, in some small way, he remembers the essence of who he is. I can see it in his dignity and the way he lives his life now, in a nursing home. 

At first he was angry and afraid.  I think mainly because he was aware enough to know his memory, abilities and personal freedom were beginning to slip away.  He, like most anyone would, recoiled and panicked.  I can see how procrastination can skip along oblivious, only to suddenly fall into a deep, dark pit.  Falling all the way to the bottom and regretting all the things left undone...unaccomplished...unsaid....

All of it is forgotten. He now lives in the moment. I see him as a Warrior.  I see him as a brave Marine, fighting his best fight, knowing this is his last battle.  Despite the out come, he instinctively knows, it is how we live, how we love and how we fight battles, which determine our legacy.

I will "never look away" and I will "never, never, forget" him.

** Excerpt from the book THE COST OF LIVING by Arundhati Roy, Chapter: The End Of Imagination, Pages 104-105

When You Make Your Move, It Has To Be Like Dancing...

"The essence of football was blocking, tackling, and execution

based on timing, rhythm and deception."

~Knute Rockne~

I spoke with Dad today. I only had to call three times.  I had asked one of  nurses to call me when he finished his lunch, but she forgot... He sounded happy and in a great mood. He had finished lunch and was in his room with Doctor-Doctor.  She had just given him his shower and was preparing to tuck him in for his nap.  He was watching TV, the story of Knute Rockne.

Dad likes football.  He told me how "it is all about rhythm...When you make your move, it has to be like dancing..."   I had the feeling he was not just talking about football...

We do have to learn the plays of life...we do have to develop a rhythm. The more nimble we are to dance through the twists and turns life throws in our path, the stronger and more adaptable we become...

As always when Doctor-Doctor is around, I hear the joy in Dad's voice.  He also refers to her as his wife, and spoke of the rhythm between a man and a woman...  "When a woman looks a man in the eye, it is a mating call..."

Dad is definitely feeling frisky and wide awake...

"I must follow her rhythm and follow her orders..." he said, "I feast my eyes with her goodness and love."

My heart swells and my eyes weep in gratitude for her and the care he receives at this nursing home.  Thank you God for your blessings...

I asked if he enjoyed his lunch.  "Oh yes, I stuffed myself.." as he laughed...

I laughed too...

"We always laugh when we are together, dear Donna"....

I tell him how glad I was to reach him and how much I love and miss him.

"I love you! The nurses run from one phone to another phone to find me....they know how persistent you are!"  as he laughs again...

He began to sing our song, Bye Bye Blackbird (see here for further explanation of our song...) which is always special and emotional for me...

Wiping my eyes, and putting my voice in check, I tell him I have only the best memories with him.  I tell him he taught me the plays of life by following his examples...

" Thank you so much for telling me...it means so much to me...that is so kind of you..."

I mean it Dad.

He doesn't sound tired.  I can hear Doctor-Doctor in the back ground... I ask Dad to tell her hello from me...

I know he would love to enjoy her company, as she does have other patients...and as soon as she leaves, he will no doubt doze off...

I tell him I will see him soon, in a couple of weeks.  I tell him I have lots of hugs and kisses for him when I come...

"Oh, I am looking forward to those kisses and hugs dear..."

Me too...

Fatherly Inheritance...

"Sometimes

the poorest man

leaves his children

 the richest inheritance."

 ~Ruth E. Renkel~

Lessons In Life...

"He didn't tell me how to live;

he lived, and let me watch him do it."

 ~Clarence Budington Kelland~

"For Fast-Acting Relief, Try Slowing Down"...

This quote was by Lily Tomlin.  Wise advice and it is exactly what we did this weekend...Saturday we lazed around, puttering, chatting, I made a roast in the crock pot, and we just did what we felt like doing.

Today was more of the same, only while Izzy and my husband napped and watched TV, I went thrift store hopping with my neighbor.  We had took our time, browsed and hunted for bargains, and then enjoyed a nice lunch at In and Out.  Got home and hubby barbecued, while I made corn on the cob and a fresh salad.
What a great weekend...

I found this picture of a backyard. 

I can really see myself sitting in one of those chairs,

 enjoying a nice refreshing drink,

munching on some grapes and cucumbers,

and reading a book...

Doesn't it look inviting?

I sure wish I had a million dollars..

.I'd have my Architect

build me a house around

this peaceful place....

Treating The Person vs Treating the Disease...

"You treat a disease,

you win, you loose.

 You treat a person,

I guarantee you,

you'll win,

no matter what the outcome."

~ Dr. Hunter Patch Adams~

Trust and rest in times of trouble...

Mom gave me this quote and I find myself reading and re-reading it...

"Nothing influences the quality of our life more than how we respond to trouble." - Erwin Tierman.

She also gave me this bible verse from MARK 4:40: It is the verse when Jesus takes his deciples into a boat and is crossing the sea when a fierce storm came up and was tossing the boat around in the high seas, waves nearly capsizing the boat. The deciples feared He would let them drown, and Jesus calmed the seas. It is then Jesus asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have so little faith?"

The copy she gave me, was from her devotional book, The One Year at His feet by Chris Tiegreen.   I really liked what it said about being afraid in times of trouble and having faith:

"The life of faith requires us to lean on an invisible source of strength and wisdom. We do not have an unfounded faith, but we learn quickly that it does not rest on our five senses. And as we trust God, we find that very real and visable storms war against our belief in the invisable God. Sooner or later,. a greater test will come and we will have to choose: Trust God or trust ourselves. We cannot do both.

At some point in this walk of faith, we must learn to detach from the things that so greatly concern us and cast them wholly on God. This feels irresponsible at first, but it is actually irresponsible not to do so. We must stop thinking of ourselves as the source of deliverance in a difficult situation. It is not up to us to save. We may be useful tools of God, but not everything is riding on us. Usually, we approach crises as though God is depending on us to do the work while He supports us in the background. We need to turn that around. We must depend on God to do the work while we are behind the scenes believing in Him. When He says to act, we must act. But most of us act far too quickly and believe much too slowly. We must be quick to believe and hesitant to interfere in God's work. By this we can keep our hearts from being so troubled, if we will really trust in Him.

How do you react in a crisis? Do you feel responsible to step in and intervene? Perhaps God will require you to do so, but rarely until you have first trusted Him with a calm heart, sought His will diligently, made yourself fully available, and waited for His timing.

When we pray and ask for God's will to be done in a given situation, we must believe that His will is, in fact, very good, and that He is quite able to accomplish it. Any asking that maintains an internal sense of panic is not genuine trust. It reveals a hidden belief that we are perhaps more critical to the situation than God is. But to trust is to rest, and the heart that is calm has learned that Jesus is above the storm."

I really like those words and take great comfort in them this weekend...