Lord....please hear my prayer....

Been trying to reach my Dad all morning at the nursing home.  Finally, after four attempts, I just connected with him and had about a fifteen minute conversation with him.  His voice sounded good (like Dad) but with slightly slurred speech. He went in and out of reality.  He told me he was married to Katie Couric now, and was unsure of how many children he had..  He is working for the government on some confidential programs.  He wished he could come up and see my husband and myself.

He is still preoccupied about "scary nights".  Apparently he did not like Halloween was afraid of several of the costumes.  He has been talking about scary nights since his birthday.

He talked of wanting to see the Memorials in Washington, DC.  I know that is something he has always wanted to do and it makes me sad he never got to do it.  At one point he said he was the President of the United States and the Official Captain of the Mother of the world...

It rips my heart out.  I hate this damn disease so much I cannot even adequately describe it.  I hate to think of my Father, reduced to such a state of helplessness and hopelessness.  He still has dignity, and I can hear the sadness in his voice when he tells me how he must rely on others for such private things...

I realize, this is why, I have allowed larger gaps of time to elapse, in between visits and phone calls.  It is so very difficult to see him or hear him the way he is, and sadly, to know, it will never get better...I love my Dad so very much, that I may begin to pray the Lord takes him sooner than later...this is no life...there is no quality of life...he is merely existing...

When I listen to his voice, and think of him there, a lump the size of a tennis ball, sticks in my throat and I cannot swallow.  I cannot see for the blur of so many tears...Please Lord...take him Home with you and allow him the Glory of Heaven...