This blog was formerly dedicated in 2009 to my Dad who died of Alzheimer's in 2013. It's been three years now...and I find myself missing blogging...so I am re-inventing my blog... because, after all, life is about moving through, and going forward...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Izzy girl helps...but there is still this void...

Before, I would awake with my husband, and he would get dressed and leave for work at 7:30am.  I would be alone until 5:30pm or 6pm when he got home.  I'd make dinner, we finish dinner by 7-7:30pm, and he would be asleep before 9pm.

Don't get me wrong, I am independent, and know the art of know how to keep myself busy. I can always get lost in the world of cyberspace....but now I awake to the jingle of a collar, open my eyes to the sweetest little face peering at me.  I open the door to her crate and greet her, as she yawns and makes a big stretch.  She follows me, scampering, prancing, smiling, all the way from our bedroom to the back slider into our yard.

First step out, she is shivering and cold and wants to go back inside.  I pick her up and snuggle her inside my bathrobe and get her cozy and warm.  She thanks me with kisses and then I place her back down to "do her business".  I bounce the tennis ball, trying to teach her how to play ball.  She is clueless and watches it roll past her.  More interested in me, smiling, bright eyed.

We return inside, and she plays with her toys, pouncing from one to the other.  My husband comes out to join us and she plays hide and seek with him, cautiously.  She still is hesitant and jumpy with him, but I have found if we sit together on the couch, and have her on her leopard blanket, between us, he can sneak some pets in...

She watches us kiss good-bye as he leaves for work and then she stands at the door, looking out, looking up at me, like, "Where is he going?"  When he comes home at night, she barks, until I tell her to "Shhhhh!"...

Before, the house was quiet and silent.  Just me and my own sounds.  Now, I have her company and her "stinky" doggy smell, (that I think I am getting used to..) with total unconditional love and devotion 24/7.  We take a walk in the morning and one in the afternoon, or we take one long-one, mid day.

I work on the computer and she lies on her pink blanket on the futon, in the office.  Every now and again, I turn around to see her sprawled on her back, eyes rolled back in her head, sleeping  soundly.  Now, after 24 days, she does not follow me when I get up and get something, she is beginning to know, I will be back...

She fills a void, a lonesome spot in my heart.  I miss my two daughters, my two grandsons, my family, my friends, all in California.  Almost weekly, my husband and I discuss the pros and cons of moving.  We keep hoping the market will go back up so we won't lose our investment.  Our loved ones, are the only draw to go back.  Although I am a native Californian, I don't miss the damp, the fog, the smog, the earthquakes, the traffic and the poorly paved roads...

I enjoy the new roads, the beauty of a newly established community, the landscaping, the crisp air, the blue skies and fluffy white clouds.  The views, the quiet of the desert, and the smorgasbord of things to do.  I love the beautiful sunrises and sunsets.  The distant Red Rock canyon we see from our front patio whenever I pick up our newspaper from the driveway, and the twinkling of the distant Strip at night.

We've made a few friends, we have nice neighbors, but it does not compare to having the sound of little children playing inside my home.  Reading stories, playing video games, creating fun with our imaginations.  I miss their laughter and the fun times we have.  I long to go out with my daughters more than once or twice a year when they come to visit.  To go have lunch with someone other than myself and my book...

I can busy myself, and keep myself occupied, I know how to enjoy my own company.  I am not afraid of solitude, but is this what I really want?  I have always believed, life is a dance, and I don't like to dance alone...  all the time...

When we grow older, or become ill, do I want to be 3 and a half hours from my family?  If money were no object, we would buy a cottage by the California coast and have the best of both worlds...but, money is an object.

I think of Dad, and how little quality time we have left with him...how emotional I feel lately...crying at the drop of a hat... My day fell apart yesterday, after talking with Dad on the phone...and today, crying my eyes out while writing to my family about Thanksgiving.  I feel this huge cloudburst looming overhead and it keeps following me, where ever I go...Like some huge melting pot, being stirred, and I am spinning and swirling around inside it...

7 comments:

WhiteStone said...

There is no recommendation I can make and, indeed, I know you are not looking for any. Just sending a hug to let you know I've been in a very similar situation and understand clearly what you wrote today. Even today I live 5 hours from my daughter. Daily phone calls help.

Mari said...

I'm glad you have Izzy. You have so much going on in your life that it's only normal to feel like things are spinning out of control. Make sure that while worrying about your Dad, you take time to take care of yourself too.

Donna B said...

Thank you WhiteStone...the hug is very much appreciated. I do share daily or every other day phone calls with my girls. I only met my husband 9 years ago, prior to that, my girls and I were the 3 Musketeers. I raised them alone from ages 8 and 6 and they are now 32 and 30. We were never more than 45 minutes away from one another.

Donna B said...

Thanks Mari, me too, I am glad I have my Izzy girl. I have my faith and know the Lord is with me...I know the state of my Father is so difficult on all the family, and I think the holidays have been like a huge magnifying glass, overwhelming us with the reality of our families journey with Dad.

Kimberly said...

Ahh, I loved your story. I am going to follow you too. Thank you for sending blessings my way. I am returning them to you. God Bless! Warm wishes too.

Marcella said...

Keep your chin up Donna.

Donna B said...

Thank you Kimberly and Marcella, I appreciate the support so very much...