May God continue to Bless you and keep you safe....

Last night, a Neuro Surgeon called me after reviewing Dad's 2nd CT Scan.  He explained Dad had fluid on the brain (subdural hydroma).  He proposed drilling a hole in Dad's skull, under general anesthesia, to release the fluid on the surface of Dad's brain....

Its very difficult to think clearly when my heart was beating so loudly, I could barely hear myself talk....

I knew Dad was not in pain.  I have been calling twice a day talking to him or his nurses.  I asked the Doctor what would happen if we did not do the surgery.  He told me Dad would most likely be sleepy or more demented.  It may or may not resolve itself.  I told him I would discuss it with my family, but I was almost certain we would not want to put Dad through brain surgery.

Dad used to forbid us to even say the word "dementia" in his presence, let alone admit he had it.  He was convinced, it would mean "exploring his brain" or "using him for experiments".  Dad used to be a Volunteer Chaplain in both hospitals and nursing homes for over 15 years.  He is well schooled in patient rights. He would want to know why a Neuro Surgeon was seeing him!  He would have to go kicking and screaming against his will to have brain surgery.

I emailed the family and talked with one of my brothers and my sister over the phone.  We all agreed to not do the surgery.  As long as he is not in pain, we will not put Dad through it.  We would rather lose him from complications from the fall, than watching him go further down the dead end road of Alzheimer's.

I spoke with the Neuro Surgeon again this morning.  I needed the reassurance, once again, that if we did nothing, Dad would not be in pain.  He gave me that reassurance.  I explained the results of our discussion and he was very understanding.  He said he would put a note of our conversation in Dad's chart.  He further told me it would be up to Dad's primary care physician to determine when Dad was well enough to return to the nursing home.

I have tried twice to speak with Dad this morning.  Our last conversation  on Wednesday, when they were going to do the CT Scan, his voice was very garbled.  Probably from the huge scab covering the opening of his nostrils. He talked non-stop.  I could tell he was scared.  Each time I called he was getting a bath or sleeping.  The nurse said to try again in a half hour, when he will be eating his lunch.  Happily, Dad's appetite has returned.

I feel like a raw, exposed nerve ending.  Very sleep deprived and tense.  I am so tired, but when I lie down to rest, my mind flashes all my worries and fears regarding Dad.  I can't help but not feel how he must feel.  I hate he is alone in that hospital.  I wish I could have stayed longer to be with him...

Even now, as I write, I can barely see to type.  My eyes seem to always well with tears when I think of or just utter the word, Dad...

It is so very sad how, after all my Dad has been through, his life has come to this... I cannot imagine being in my Dad's position.  We want to protect him, but we cannot take care of him.  I don't know if I will ever be able to shake that guilt from my psyche.

Despite our familie's belief, that family comes first, life and the economy get in the mix, and we are forced to work long hours, live further away, and keep continuously spinning the hub of the wheels of our own individual families.  My heart goes out to every family member out there, who must fight each day to keep their loved ones safe, protected and fed.

Dad's primary care doctor just called.  After one week in the hospital, from his terrible fall last Friday, he is transferring Dad back to the nursing home this afternoon...back to Dad's Angel, Doctor-Doctor.  Dad sounded so excited and happy.  He told me how well everyone treated him....

Daddy, you are such a gentle spirit.  So loving, so caring.  All the goodness that you have shown over the years in being played forward to you now...May God continue to Bless you and keep you safe.