Some days the well is dry...

Its hotter than hell outside, and the thunder is rumbling. July through September is monsoon season in Nevada. Flash floods and pouring rain can come out of no where.

Frustration is swirling about me. Each day I find myself doting on Mom. She would probably do better if I allowed her to figure it out herself. I hate being so far from my family.

Mom is so worried Medi-Cal will not approve Dad. The financial status of the State of California is so bleak, Mom cannot shake her fear of no coverage and having to bring Dad home. Some times we just have to have faith that it will work out. If it doesn't, then we deal with what is left and go from there.

I feel empty. I hope I did not make any mistakes in placing Dad where he is. I feel I am not doing anything worth while. It felt good being busy and making calls and researching for Dad. I felt I was doing something important.

When I feel like this, I want to sell the house and move closer... But where would we move? The only attraction for California is, to live closer to the family. Otherwise, it has very little draw for me.

Some days, the well is dry.

I think I slept 15 hours yesterday...

I averaged 4-6 hours a night of sleep while in California, 9 hours on Saturday night and around 15 yesterday. My dreams jump from Dad to Michael Jackson. Such a tragic death of such a young man with so much more to accomplish. Leaving behind such a legacy, not to mention his three children, who are now Fatherless and basically Motherless. Thankfully, their Nanny is with them and no doubt they are clinging to her.

The contrast between the famous and the unknown...I'm relieved Dad is only famous to us. It would be so much more difficult having strangers pontificate and speculate on his life while we are all suffering through this horrible disease with Dad.

Mom and my sister visited Dad yesterday. Mom is still reluctant to read Caregiver tips on Alzheimer victims. I know it would help her. She needs to read and learn new tools in helping her cope as she navigates herself along side Dad.

I had my sister call me toward the end of their visit with Dad to allow me to talk with Dad. He was enjoying looking at the clouds and wanted to discuss the Lord. I can't help wonder and hope, that his Faith is still strong and he is getting comfort and strength instead of being fearful.

I want to put in a call to Dad's Psychiatrist. I want him to keep me in the loop about Dad's meds and what he anticipates with Dad. I don't want to be clueless as to increases in his dosages. We need to have an idea of what we can anticipate, to see if there is any way we can help Dad...

I need to check with his nurse as well. Mom said Dad has been putting his dirty clothes in the trash can. He also thinks he is in the wrong room, when his meals come with his room number on it, he tells her, "This is NOT what I ordered", therefore, he is in the wrong room. He took down the family picture we put up along with the calendar he HAD to have. Mom found them in his drawer.

Dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer's is like walking down a steep, twisting, gravel path mountain with hidden traps and pit falls. One must adopt the philosophy, "Hope for the best, but expect the worst". I know from experience, even hoping for the best can be devastating, even if I realize, the worst is more realistic.

Alzheimer's has a way of sucking one in, causing one to doubt one's own sanity. It is so easy to feel emotionally and physically drained. Because when you love someone with this disease it is so difficult to not take it personally. It is that precise reason it drains the life out of Caregivers.

I almost feel we have to look upon Dad as this new person who has this disease. We have to "start over" in learning how our new Dad will be. We have to attempt to be objective and observant. We have to fight allowing our emotions to sweep us away. Dad is slowing being consumed by this disease and that is a fact we instinctively do not want to think about, but is imperative that we do.

The road to love...

I am home in Nevada now. Made the trip in a little under 4 hours with two pee stops. Whether I am driving to California to visit family and friends, or back home to Nevada to return to my husband, it is the road to love...

I actually enjoy the drive. I can enjoy my music, think about creative pursuits, make plans and just think happy thoughts of anticipation upon my arrival. Before I lived in Nevada, I would always get so anxious about the drive because the road to and from Vegas always has these tales of horrific car accidents or people falling asleep. Then there was always the "traffic"...

Interestingly enough, I have not seen any horrific accidents and I rarely (knock on wood) have any traffic.

On the way home I chatted on my headset with my sister who was helping her daughter move into a fabulous condo in Long Beach. My youngest brother was yard sailing. My oldest daughter is on the last day of their family vacation. Today, they go to the beach and dig up the Pirate's "booty" Treasure Chest I had made for the boys. My youngest daughter is working and Mom is attending a Memorial of a dear friend of Mom and Dads, who just lost his Mother. I spoke with my second and third oldest brothers last night reminding me to "take it easy". My brother from Ohio called yesterday while Mom and I were on our home from our second visit to see Dad.

I had a great conversation with my best friend. Just a week ago we spent the day together and she helped me pick out clothes for Dad for Father's Day. My husband and I have our "check points" where we always call one another when traveling alone.

My wonderful husband had a sandwich all made for me when I got home. So now that I have a full tummy, I will unpack and maybe take a nap. Later, we'll go out to dinner and catch a show and enjoy one another.

I'm going to take the rest of the weekend and just relax...

I've done all I can do...

I guess I have done everything I can do for the time being. I return to Nevada for sure tomorrow. Dad is settled in and seems happy there. He has everything he needs. Any thing else will only crowd him out of his space. We'll have to remind him from time to time, to "travel light".

I have no doubt we will have ups and downs and good days and bad, but at least we know he is safe and protected and well cared for.

I have concerns about Mom. I know how overwhelming this is. She will have her "adjustment" period, but with all our help, I know she will rise to the tasks at hand.

I appreciate the concern of my siblings. I respect and honor their advice for me to pass the lead baton to them and to trust they will continue on. They will make sure Dad is not lonesome and keep me in the loop, until I return next time.

May God continue to Bless you Daddy. Stay well and safe until I see you again...

Soaking in all I can....

When I sat with Dad on the patio of the nursing home, I looked into his face and felt nothing but love. As I watched him walking laps around the patio, I held back warning him to slow down and to come and rest. He wants to walk and exercise.

He held up his arm and showed me the "wander guard" telling me it was for his safety. A few days before I had asked the nurse about getting him one and she was telling me Dad refused it telling her, "I'm too alert. I don't need one of those. I will just stay in my room. I know my patient rights." I knew how much Dad loves to be out of doors, so it would be just a matter of days when he would relent, and would decide to wear one. I was happy when he showed me. I told him most of the patients were in wheel chairs, but he was walking so well, they just wanted to keep him safe. He smiled back at me.

His smiles and the sound of his laughter are so very precious to me. I can't help remember those horrendous days at the Psych ward. It is so good to see him sitting across from me, on a beautiful, sunny day, with a gentle breeze dancing over our faces. Just watching him and listening to him talk...I drink him in. Gathering and remembering these bittersweet memories, storing them away in my mind.

Things he chose to talk about with me today, were tainted with paranoia. I know there will be days like this. I understand there will be times when we don't understand what he says. We can't change it. Confronting him and telling him what he thinks or feels isn't true, will not do him any good at all.

I love Dad so much. I will take him any way he presents himself. Despite me hating the disease that steals pieces of his brain every day, it is not his fault. He can't help it. I admire the way he tries to see beauty and positive things.

He wanted an In and Out burger, french fries and a strawberry shake. Mom and my sister in law went to get it for him. I have been trying to return to my husband in Nevada since Tuesday. I just keep following my gut as when I should leave. It's so difficult. I have to know he is in good hands and he will not be lonely.

As Dad and I sat there, I took a picture of him with my cell phone. It was too dark, he was too shaded. Just as I was about to take another in the sun, his dear friend from Church walked up to join us. I smiled as they hugged. Dad had told me yesterday he wanted to see his friend. I had called his friend last night and true to his word, he came to see Dad. Soon after, the ladies returned with Dad's In and Out feast. Dad offered to share with his friend, but he had just finished his lunch. Dad was relishing every bite and that was how I left him...Enjoying a good meal with a dear friend.

After we had lunch and my sister in law dropped us off, I learned Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson had died. My heart goes out to their families. I went to Walmart to buy Dad more lounge pants.

I told Dad I was driving home tomorrow... But I think I will go Saturday morning.

A day from hell...

Today I was on the phone from 7 am to 6 pm. Eleven hours straight. Never got dressed. Calls coming in on the house line (with no call waiting), Mom's cell and mine. All financial calls stemming from questions we had on the Admission paper work.

Dad called three times with "emergency lists" of things he needed plus a request for In and Out hamburger and a strawberry shake. Sorry Dad...I got my hands full and so does everyone else.

The Finance Manager was on vacation so no one could give us a "for sure" answer. I bounced back between Medicare, the Facility and Dad's insurance company. Never could reach Medi-Cal. That will be my mission tomorrow.

I thought I would be driving back home to Nevada tomorrow... But that ain't happenin'.

Thank God I have the most understanding and compassionate husband on the planet.

Too tired to write another word.

Busy, busy, busy...

Today was a busy day for Dad and for us. Mom and I were visiting and putting away more new clothes for Dad. We took him outside in the court yard of the nursing home and he did about 5 laps walking around the courtyard, then announced he needed a nap.

Dad only got an hour's rest before my two youngest brothers came to visit. One brought a CD player with CD's for Dad and the other with a new pair of shoes. Dad LOVED everything.

By the time my sister, Mom and I came by at 6 pm, Dad was slurring his words he was so tired.

Mom and I are absolutely exhausted and all we want to do is fall into our beds and sleep.

Tomorrow is another busy day...