Paranoia Is Slowly Creeping Back Into Dad's Brain...

Mom went to visit Dad yesterday, just before lunch.  She found him in the dining room and went to give him a kiss hello.  As she leaned in, Dad grabbed her hand and asked how their second the oldest son was.  Mom wasn't sure if she heard him right, as it was very loud in the dining room, so she wheeled him outside.

Clearly Dad was upset.  He thought my second to the oldest brother had been shot.  Mom did her best to assure Dad, my brother was fine.  Dad was convinced of the shooting.  Mom called my brother, who owns a trucking company and  coaches several soccer teams, rarely answers the phone right away.  Luckily, he answered his phone.  Mom passed her cell to Dad so he could hear his voice.
Dad was so relieved and happy, he wanted to talk my brother's ear off... Mom reminded Dad he was at work, so Dad let him go, satisfied his son was safe.

When Dad was first admitted to the hospital almost two years ago, he was very paranoid and imagined his children being beaten, shot, kidnapped, tortured and threatened.  We had to rotate in to visit him in the ER so he knew we were all OK.  My husband and I are going to visit the day after Christmas, and I think I need to have him re-evaluated again.  He has been taken off his medication for the paranoia, over six months ago... he may need to go back on it.

The nursing home was having a Christmas party with ham, turkey and all the fixings.  Mom had been invited, as were the rest of the family...  Mom commented on how good all the food looked and Dad told her he was not eating.  He told her the food was really bad and he had been ill all morning.  Mom spoke with "Pickles", Dad's nurse for the day, and she told Mom Dad had eaten all his breakfast and was fine...

Santa jollied up to Dad and presented him with two wrapped gifts.  Dad was thrilled and excited to open the presents.  He received two beautiful short sleeved shirts, an Adidas burnt orange one and a beautiful blue Guess shirt.  Mom said they were brand new and had no idea who provided the gifts.

Lots of families were visiting, with children running around and even a few dogs on leashes.  Dad was enjoying watching the children playing.  He told Mom how much he missed his grand children.  I wonder if he even is aware most of his grand children are grown up now... often he thinks my grand children, are his...

Mom turned around and was shocked and surprised to see her youngest son!  Dad was over joyed to see him and gave him a huge hug.  Dad dived into a non stop conversation leaving Mom and my brother very little room to get a word in edge-wise.

Dad went on about sailing on a yacht with John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara and how he was one of the passengers on the Lusitania when it sank... Mom asked if he meant the Titanic.  Dad laughed and told them some times he gets confused...

Lunch was served and his nurse brought him a tray of turkey, gravy, mashed sweet potatoes, fresh green peas with red peppers, a roll, ice cream, milk, and a piece of iced cake.  Dad scarfed down every bite, including some molasses cookies my youngest brother had brought him.  So much for the "lousy food"...

My Father has always been very "black" or "white" with no shades of gray.  There were some movie stars he disliked for either their personal lives or a part he saw them play in a movie.  He intensely disliked Jane Fonda, mainly due to her "Hanoi Jane" reputation during the Viet Nam War.  He also disliked Barbara Walters and Paul Newman ( I can't remember why).

He would REFUSE to watch a movie or program with any of these particular movies stars.  We would all be gathered in the living room as a family, ready to watch a movie and if Jane Fonda was in it, he would storm upstairs or out to the garage until it was over.  One time, when we all went to the drive in to see SLAP SHOT, when Dad found out Paul Newman was in it, he got out of the car and walked home!

You can imagine how stunned my brother and mother were when suddenly Dad announced he now liked Jane Fonda.  As they stared at Dad with mouths agape, Dad added he admitted he used to dislike her during the War, but now he had come full circle 100%.

My brother asked him about Barbara Walters, but Dad could not remember her...

Then Dad, with furrowed brow, told them how the building had been evacuated yesterday during the rain because the roof was going to collapse... no doubt he had seen the news about the Minnesota Vikings Metrodome collapse from all the snow...

Dad seems to be more and more locked into fantasy than reality these days...

My brother left and Mom diverted Dad's distress by showing him the 2011 calendar she brought him.  Dad told her he wanted to come home for the weekend... Dad has not asked to come home in so long, so when he does it always knocks Mom for a loop... we all know if would be impossible for him to be home and for Mom to take care of him.

Mom told Dad she would bring some tape and hang his calendar for him next to his bed...

Like flipping channels on a TV, Dad told Mom how much he missed my brother's former girlfriend L----...  This is a girlfriend he used to date back in high school... more than twenty years ago.  Mom used her nick name to clarify who he meant...

Dad's mood went from sentimental to vicious when he snapped, "NO!!! I MEAN DOCTOR-DOCTOR!! YOU CAN'T REMEMBER ANY THING!!!

Composing herself, Mom attempted to calm him by telling Dad she might be busy due to her large family....

Again, Dad yelled, "WHAT FAMILY!!! SHE DOESN'T HAVE A FAMILY!  I MISS HER!!!"

Mom quickly comforted him by explaining she has lots of brothers and sisters she helps support....

As quickly as the storm moved in, her explanation brought out the sunshine, and Dad was calm and peaceful once again...

Emotionally exhausted, Mom wheeled him back to his room for his afternoon nap... Some visits are good, and others you wish you stayed home...

Christmas Blessings To All My Blogging Friends...

Today I will spend the day baking and packing.  I will not post anything until we return next week.  I hope to catch up visiting everyone's blogs...

We leave tomorrow on "the road to love" to spend Christmas in California with the rest of our family.  I am so looking forward to seeing my family, my three grandsons, my daughters, my sister, my Mom and Dad and my brothers.

May each and every one of you dear fellow bloggers have save travels, both going and coming, and enjoy however each of you choose to spend Christmas Day.  May you each stay healthy, happy, warm and well fed. 

Love to all of you!!!  Donna

Christmas Blessings

to all

my

Blogging friends...

Please click on the link below:

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2007134554829&source=jl999

The Vivid Adventures of Robin Hood...(aka, My Dad)

After several attempts today, I was able to make contact with Dad and speak with him over the phone. He was in great spirits and chatted to me non-stop...

He told me he had awoke this morning to a box of candy beside his bed, which made him feel renewed.

"I feel soooooo good," he said in a full voice laced with exuberance.

Currently Dad is being treated with yet another round of antibiotics for a yeast infection in his urine.  He told me he had good reports on his system and was very relieved.

"It proves no one has to worry about my company," he reported...

" The dear people of this nation need not to worry.  We need to stress peace, especially with China.  Everyone needs to wake up and be wake all day, every day.  We need to laugh during the day with ourselves and with the nation."

He assured me changing partners, making companies amongst themselves to keep the dear people working, was the best plan for everyone...

Dad mentioned twice he would like to come visit us and play Poker...he wouldn't mind living with us either...

Before I could respond, there was concern in his voice as he told me not to go out at night.  There were flood warnings...

I told him it was the same here, but we were being very careful.  I told him it was suppose to clear up by Thursday and we would travel on Friday.  I told him my husband and I were coming to visit him, which made him sound very excited and happy.

Suddenly, he laughed heartily, and told me he was Robin Hood, wearing a hat with a feather in it...

Will you rob from the rich and give to the poor, Dad? 

"Blessed are the poor and meek", he said...

"I am overwhelmed with beautiful ladies, with their white legs ... oh, how I love white legs on ladies..."  I had to chuckle...he gave me a huge smile...

He is so grateful and knows Jesus is smiling on him... A lump forms in my throat listening to the child like joy in his voice...

"I feel so invigorated, alternating and circulating within our groups...and I just had the most wonderful shower.  I feel refreshed and clean!"  I know how particular my Father's personal hygiene is to him, so I was so happy to hear how good he felt...

"God is the Captain of my ship!" he announced, and I whole heartily agreed...

"When the water came rushing in, Jesus asked me if I saw him, and I told him OH YES, I KNOW YOU ARE ALWAYS SMILING ON ME!... It went under water and the ship sinks...it's real water... "

I asked what ship he was talking about...

"The Lusitania.  Don't you remember?  The one with all those little innocent children's faces looking up..."

I googled the Lusitania and it was sunk off the Irish coast in 1915, five years before my father was born.  It was sunk by a German U-boat, killing 1198 people with over a hundred children.  It is so typical of Dad to think of the children...he must have viewed something on TV...

As if the thoughts were too intrusive and sad to recall, Dad announced, "That's enough of that subject..."

Again, he mentioned how he looked forward to seeing my husband and I.  He called me "Firstborn" as he always has, and told me to say hello to all my husband's brothers too. My husband is an only child, so I knew he meant his six children and six grand children.

I could hear him cooing and telling someone he loves them, so no doubt it was one of the staff getting him ready for some activities and then his lunch.

Bless his heart.  He is such a gentle spirit.  My heart is over flowing with love for him...

He thanked me for calling and told me he would see me soon...

See you soon Dad...I love you so much.

3 Months Old Today...

Just me and my teddy...

3 months old today.

I like my fingers when I can't find my binkie...but sometimes, my long fingers gag me... I don't like when that happens...

We Just Escaped From A Trojan Horse...

Back on line after husband inadvertently clicked on a hoax called System Tool Spy ware with Trojan Horse virus while on Fox Sports. It took over our computer and froze it completely.  Just got it fixed....thanks to the computer Guru with our Community Computer Club.

The virus scam gave a pop up screen announcing our computer was infected.  He clicked on it and it ran and infiltrated our computer and then announced we would have to pay $69.99 to remove all the viruses and infections.

We had a big family dinner for the ten of us, last night, with my husband's family...we leave for California on Friday....so am busy wrapping and preparing...

The Only Dream Worth Having...

A very insightful friend of mine sent me these words in an email.  The impact of the author's words struck me with insight and strength.  I googled her and found what my friend had emailed me was an excerpt from a chapter entitled, THE END OF IMAGINATION, from the above book.  I have never heard of this author, but I intend to get her book and read it.

Here are her words in my format:

**"There are other worlds.

Other kinds of dreams.

Dreams in which failure is feasible.

Honorable.

Sometimes even worth striving for.

 Worlds in which recognition

 is not the only barometer of brilliance

or human worth.

There are plenty of warriors

that I know and love,

 people far more valuable than myself,

 who go to war each day,

knowing in advance that they will fail.

True, they're less successful

 in the most vulgar

 sense of the word,

but by no means less fulfilled.

The only dream worth having...

is to dream that you will live

while you're alive

 and die

 only when you're dead.

 To love.

To be loved.

 To never forget your own insignificance.

To never get used to the unspeakable

 violence

 and the vulgar disparity

 of life around you.

To seek joy in the saddest places.

 To pursue beauty to its lair.

 To never simplify what is complicated

 or complicate what is simple.

 To respect strength,

never power.

 Above all, to watch.

 To try and understand.

To never look away.

 And never, never, to forget"

by Arundhati Roy

One could interpret these words in many different directions; living a conscious life, the economy and current times or the fact my Father is demented with Alzheimer's.

When I read the words above, I feel it describes our family's grief, sadness and pain knowing our Father, Mom's husband, is on a one way street and will not return to us the way we have known him all our lives.  Nor will we ever have the relationships we each had with him.  It is different now.  We could run and hide from what is happening, but for me, it would be the coward's path.  Love is not always packaged like it was wrapped at Nordstrom's with a pretty bow.  Real love is always changing, yet always present. It can be good, difficult, ecstatic, challenging, and wonderfully, full filling and familiar...As my 8 year old grand son says, "Love is Love."

Like Kabril Gibran says, "Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."  Roy's words, "to live while you are alive, and die when you are dead' are so profound. Reading Dad's journals has brought this subject to mind so vividly.  Another lesson Roy promotes is, "to seek joy in the saddest of places and to pursue beauty to its lair."   I just LOVE that..

I know my Father.  He has tremendous grace and faith in God.  He is kind.  He is gentle.  I believe, some how, in some small way, he remembers the essence of who he is. I can see it in his dignity and the way he lives his life now, in a nursing home. 

At first he was angry and afraid.  I think mainly because he was aware enough to know his memory, abilities and personal freedom were beginning to slip away.  He, like most anyone would, recoiled and panicked.  I can see how procrastination can skip along oblivious, only to suddenly fall into a deep, dark pit.  Falling all the way to the bottom and regretting all the things left undone...unaccomplished...unsaid....

All of it is forgotten. He now lives in the moment. I see him as a Warrior.  I see him as a brave Marine, fighting his best fight, knowing this is his last battle.  Despite the out come, he instinctively knows, it is how we live, how we love and how we fight battles, which determine our legacy.

I will "never look away" and I will "never, never, forget" him.

** Excerpt from the book THE COST OF LIVING by Arundhati Roy, Chapter: The End Of Imagination, Pages 104-105

John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara...

For fifteen years my Dad was a volunteer chaplain in Glendora, CA.  He worked with a female chaplain who started a tape ministry of bible verses and stories. This February, she will have been ordained sixty years. Dad and she would distribute the tapes when visiting patients in the hospitals and nursing homes.  Mom picked up the Reverend and brought her to visit Dad.

The Reverend also makes little miniature houses out of used Christmas cards and fills it with home made cookies.  She made one for Dad.  She also gave him a red cap, which he placed on his head and left it there the remainder of their visit out on the patio.

Mom basically sat and listened, making comments here and there.  Dad talked with the Reverend non stop.  He told her John Wayne was waiting to welcome him, "up  there"in heaven.  Then Dad broke into a long story about "the Duke" and Maureen O'Hara in one of his favorite movies, THE QUIET MAN.

They had lots to discuss with her frequent references to various verses from the bible, and recalling patients and events when they worked together.

She was very impressed with the nursing home, the staff and how content Dad is.  While the Reverend and Dad chatted, Mom had a bag of Pomegranates off her home tree and gave them to the nurses.  Mom keeps them well supplied with lemons also. Mom had washed one of Dad's sweatshirts so she hung it in his closet.  She put some of his cookies in his night stand...

When Mom returned to the patio, she brought Doctor-Doctor and "Pickles", two of Dad's favorite nurses and introduced them to the Reverend. The nurses both raved about Dad as a patient.  The Reverend said Dad was such a nice man, of course he would be a nice patient.

They stayed until Dad was served his lunch, then they left and Mom drove the Reverend home.  Mom is looking forward to watching GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER on the Ted Turner channel.  She used to watch the old classic movies with my oldest brother, who lives in Ohio.

Thank you Mom for bring the Reverend to visit Dad, I know he enjoyed the visit.