MY JOURNEY 

I realized recently that my "organized clutter" is a symptom.  

Things and feelings I'm still holding on to for a sentimental feeling or 

misguided belief I might need it...  

I know I carry everything important within my heart...

but apparently, the clutter represents something needing further investigation.

© dkb

My husband was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's last May.

I have suspected it for sometime, but didn't want to believe it.

I was too busy taking it personally and

I chose to believe what my Mom once told me;

"God won't do that to you a 3rd time."

Obviously, God knows something Mom didn't.

I helped advocate and care for my Father and also for my husband's Mother...

but the dynamic of a spouse with it is very different.

I've learned not to reminisce about the past, because it is too sad.

I've learned not to think about the future, because it is too scary.

I must stay in the now, this moment, because that is where my husband is.

I know it won't last forever, but I am not getting any younger 

and this journey

is a very challenging one.

I know it could be worse.  It always could be worse; 

but I feel my life has shrunk, along with the family and friends I used to see 

more often.

I know part of it is me not reaching out as much...

I pretty much feel consumed and preoccupied with this hideous disease.

I make time for counseling, Alzheimer's Support Groups and 

enjoy getting out even if it is to walk our 3 year old rescue dog or go to the grocery store.

Occasionally, I have an outing with friends.

This year I am getting in-home help through out Health Insurance

and entrenched navigating filing a claim on our Long Term Home Health Care Policy.

  I find my day goes so quickly between hubby's pill doses.  

I am grateful the doses recently 

decreased from five to four.  So thankful to be able to get more rest...

Although, too frequently I have been resting by doing an activity I want to do, 

(rather than sleeping as my body and mind need me to do)

and that almost always ends up staying up too late with a cup of tea..

I love finding 'self help' quotes and writing them down.

I have quite a collection of journals over the past 9 years...

It's been 15 years since my husband lost his job and went full time into depression.

He became one with the couch.

Our relationship was changing two years before that with all the uncertainty with the economy

and the housing market falling off the preverbal financial cliff.

He was a banker after all...

It had been his 'dream job' and the reason we moved here;

four hours away from most of my family.

We attempted to move back after he lost his job...but...

as they say, "Once you move from California, it is too expensive to move back."

We were so underwater in our home financially

and everything we looked at back then, was either out of our price range

or abandoned homes with retaliation destruction.

So we had no choice.  We had to accept our reality and stay put.

As long as I could, until five years ago, 

I continued to drive back and forth to see family and friends.

2020 and COVID didn't help...but we did our best.

My Mother died. Friends died.  

We had to put our beloved Izzy girl down after 11 years with her...

We had no idea what was coming after that...

The world has changed.

People have changed.

Politics has changed people.

Values I've known since childhood, that I once thought

were the way things were suppose to be,

changed.

I learned to Meditate.

I had to.  It was a major survival tool.

I learned,

 "Worry is worshipping the problem"

-Toby Mac

I learned I have no control, sometimes over myself.

I am learning to depend on myself, but still do research, reflect and stay open.

I have learned if I do get the courage to ask for help, sometimes I get it.

I have learned the importance of staying in this moment

and treating each moment as it is.

If it bothers me and I can't do anything about it

I pretend it is a cloud in the sky and watch it until it passes or dissipates.

I'm learning to love and rely on myself.

I'm learning 

"Self-care is never a selfish act."

- Parker Palmer

I am seeing the power in Stephen Covey's quote,

"Do you spend time or do you direct it?"

I welcome all prayers humbly and gratefully.

I am evolving, learning and growing in my journey.

© dkb 

I've Missed You...Let's Catch Up!

Hello out there....

It's been awhile...I think I am ready to begin blogging again.

I don't know how many of you are still blogging or even if you still follow my blog..I will be popping in over time checking in to see who is still around, and hopefully meeting some new friends. For the few of you out there...(and you know you who are) thank you from the bottom of my soul for your support and friendship over the past eight years.

Since I last blogged....My grand daughter was only a couple months old...she is now two. Her big brother will turn six years old this month. In fact, they are going to have a new brother or sister this November.  Her parents are doing it the "old fashion way" and waiting until it arrives to announce the gender.  The new one will be my sixth grand child. Together, my husband and I will now have an even dozen!

My oldest grand son just started high school this year, the second oldest turns 12 in October and the "caboose" just turned 3 and started pre-school.  I'm certain there will be posts about my grand kids....their adventures and mischief always crack me up.

I'm still living in Nevada, traveling back and forth on the "road to love" visiting my family and friends in California.  Housing in Nevada is recovering very slowly...but I think I have come to the conclusion I will be a lot happier if I finally accept that this is where I will be living.  After almost eleven years, it is time to call it home...

I continue to journal and as Julia Cameron advises, "to do your morning pages..."   I dabble with my watercolors and am considering re-visiting acrylics....but writing is still my first love.

I am also working on a family project...getting all our Mother's interesting life down on paper.  Not an easy task when we live in two different states.  We have recently decided to invest in a recording device because she gets grouchy (and she is entitled at 89) when I keep asking her to repeat what she said to get it down in my notes....( And for those of you who remember Mom, she is doing GREAT.  Feisty as ever!!)

Last New Years I made two resolutions:  First, I wanted to find some way of helping others and to be of service. Second, I wanted to be more creative.  I started a new poetry/consciousness blog,   If you would like to check it out, here is the link: Creative Synchronicity.  I even had business cards made.  I also started classes in January to be a volunteer senior peer counselor.  Our mission is basically seniors helping other seniors with our life lessons and experiences.  We are not therapist, just active listeners who offer support and help to other seniors and hopefully, together, find solutions which help.

The program is through a community hospital and headed up by a clinical psychiatrist and retired social worker.  We attend meetings twice a month with our supervisors and see our clients on our own mutual schedules at a designated location.  So far, I've found it extremely rewarding and I've learned so much about myself in the process.  I am very grateful for the experience.

I am still involved with Alzheimer's.  I stay informed with emails from the Alzheimer's Association and follow Barbara Karnes blog.  I also attend the support group Mom attends regularly, when I'm visiting her. She made such wonderful friends and she feels she can be a beckon of hope to those who are still going through it.  I've attended a few support groups here in Nevada, but just haven't found one that fits yet...  If anyone needs any support or if I can answer any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me.

I'm doing a lot of reading, learning new things on u-tube videos and watching some interesting movies on Netflix.   I may even review and discuss a few from time to time.   I really have enjoyed some excellent books, so those of you who enjoy philosophy, consciousness, the creative process fighting resistance...we may share some excellent conversations.

I've filled a notebook with all the poetry I wrote on my former poetry blog.  I just felt like I wanted to go in a different direction with my new one...

I continue to be an obsessive quote collector.  I've filled several journals full of various quotes.  I find it uplifting when I am down or challenges, to read from my inspirational quotes....

So that's it for now...hope to hear from you!

Subtle Changes....

I see the subtle changes
Words spoken in slower tones
At times confused and faltering
words and names seemingly unknowns

Changes in your rituals
The details you always use to keep
Seem to belong to another
You're sinking into the deep...

You used to be so easy to live with
Only impatient waiting for traffic and lines
Now, irritation is your daily mood
And I'm the only one seeing the signs.

© dkb

A Sign of Remembrance….

This morning Mom sent each of us an email.  She and my brother S_______ (who is living with Mom now) were remembering today would have been Dad's 94th birthday.  S______ usually gets the morning newspaper for Mom before he leaves for work.  This morning, as Mom stood on the porch, waiting for S_____ to hand her the paper, they noticed the flag was at half staff.

Mom and my brother thought it was a sign of remembrance…(as if we needed one).  S_______pulled the flag down, fixed it, raised it to the top, and tied it off.  He took a few steps back and saluted the flag.

I cried when I read the email.  I cried because I am so proud of my family and we still enjoy our memories and love for Dad, Mom, one another.  It may not be as easy to get together as often as it once was when we all lived under one roof; because we are now grown, have our own families and live further away from one another…but whenever we do get together, we pick up where we left off and always reminisce, laugh and enjoy one an other's company.

We all have a life time of memories together and are so very Blessed to have one another.  We learned about life from our parents and the interactions of one another growing up in a large family.  Mom and Dad had seven children and one son died very shortly after his birth.  Grant was born after me.  We still remember and celebrate him because he was part of us…

Each of us brings something so special and unique to our family…little seeds from Mom and Dad grown inside each of us to become who we have become.

I can't imagine or relate, but I hear stories from friends about the trouble within their families where so and so doesn't speak or come to family events if so and so will be there….or haven't spoken to a family member in so many years.  I have heard about friends who have lost members of their family in tragic, untimely deaths… Honestly, when I hear such stories, I always say a silent prayer, thanking God for the family we have.

Today, we will celebrate and remember Dad.  He was loving, eccentric, wise, mysterious, inventive, fun, a philosopher, a teacher, a man who loved the feel and smell of good soil and could grow anything anywhere…He told the best imaginary stories and tales of his childhood.  He would welcome any stray pet into our family and would connect with not only all the animals but talked to the plants as well.

We all have memories and stories…I know I have mine and it makes me smile to think about it and see my Dad's smile in my mind's eye.

On my last visit to California Mom and I were talking and she told me she hoped I would find another purpose since I was no longer Dad's Patient Advocate.  I became emotional after she said it, because I knew in my heart it was a labor of love to me and I miss having such a strong sense of purpose…but I will find another, I have no doubt.

So Happy 94th Birthday Dad!  We love you and miss you... knowing your Spirit is everywhere now, but will always be close in our hearts.

Look Who is 3 Months Old!!!

Can you believe it?  My new grand daughter is 3 months old.  She is a happy little giggle monster and our precious little princess.

Thinking of Dad...

9 Months Since Dad's Death…Soaring With Eagles…Updates on my life and Grand kids...

I've really had my Father on my mind so much these past couple of weeks.  I've been waiting and wanting him to come to me in my sleep.  I have had one night where I saw him in my dreams, he was there, but not connecting with me.

Knowing my Dad, the way I do, and knowing after death the soul no longer experiences time; more than likely Dad is exploring.  He was a very curious fellow, loving adventure and exploration.  Not having the confines of Alzheimer's, I know he is soaring with eagles.

I will be patient.  I know he will come….maybe at the year anniversary of his death….maybe my birthday next month…

Meanwhile I will be thinking of him this Memorial weekend, for all he did for our country and for all he was to our family.

Two weeks ago I returned from California helping my daughter after the c-section birth of her second child, her first daughter.  I'd like to share a picture of my precious, first grand daughter, Jordynn.

 4-28-14 10 days old with proud Grandma

 4-28-14 Remember my grand son Jacob?  Here he is with his little sister and I on the day I returned to Nevada.  I had the best time staying with them for two weeks.  Words cannot express how difficult it was for me to leave.  Jacob is now three and a half years old.  He is the sweetest and best big brother to his sister.  I am so very proud of him.

5-17-14 Sleeping beauty….my most recent photo of my grand daughter sent from my daughter.  She is thriving and healthy.  God Bless and protect their family.

A couple days after returning home I threw out my back and spent a week in bed with back spasms and back pain.  I have not been doing any painting or blogging…

My other grand sons are all doing well too.  The almost 12 year old is in an Archery tournament this weekend and did very well.  His brother the 10 year old just did a trumpet solo in band and their little brother, who is now 14 months is climbing and running everywhere…keeping the entire family on their toes…he loves playing with his Labradors and helping his Daddy in the yard…

I am very, very, very Blessed.  Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone….