MY JOURNEY 

I realized recently that my "organized clutter" is a symptom.  

Things and feelings I'm still holding on to for a sentimental feeling or 

misguided belief I might need it...  

I know I carry everything important within my heart...

but apparently, the clutter represents something needing further investigation.

© dkb

My husband was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's last May.

I have suspected it for sometime, but didn't want to believe it.

I was too busy taking it personally and

I chose to believe what my Mom once told me;

"God won't do that to you a 3rd time."

Obviously, God knows something Mom didn't.

I helped advocate and care for my Father and also for my husband's Mother...

but the dynamic of a spouse with it is very different.

I've learned not to reminisce about the past, because it is too sad.

I've learned not to think about the future, because it is too scary.

I must stay in the now, this moment, because that is where my husband is.

I know it won't last forever, but I am not getting any younger 

and this journey

is a very challenging one.

I know it could be worse.  It always could be worse; 

but I feel my life has shrunk, along with the family and friends I used to see 

more often.

I know part of it is me not reaching out as much...

I pretty much feel consumed and preoccupied with this hideous disease.

I make time for counseling, Alzheimer's Support Groups and 

enjoy getting out even if it is to walk our 3 year old rescue dog or go to the grocery store.

Occasionally, I have an outing with friends.

This year I am getting in-home help through out Health Insurance

and entrenched navigating filing a claim on our Long Term Home Health Care Policy.

  I find my day goes so quickly between hubby's pill doses.  

I am grateful the doses recently 

decreased from five to four.  So thankful to be able to get more rest...

Although, too frequently I have been resting by doing an activity I want to do, 

(rather than sleeping as my body and mind need me to do)

and that almost always ends up staying up too late with a cup of tea..

I love finding 'self help' quotes and writing them down.

I have quite a collection of journals over the past 9 years...

It's been 15 years since my husband lost his job and went full time into depression.

He became one with the couch.

Our relationship was changing two years before that with all the uncertainty with the economy

and the housing market falling off the preverbal financial cliff.

He was a banker after all...

It had been his 'dream job' and the reason we moved here;

four hours away from most of my family.

We attempted to move back after he lost his job...but...

as they say, "Once you move from California, it is too expensive to move back."

We were so underwater in our home financially

and everything we looked at back then, was either out of our price range

or abandoned homes with retaliation destruction.

So we had no choice.  We had to accept our reality and stay put.

As long as I could, until five years ago, 

I continued to drive back and forth to see family and friends.

2020 and COVID didn't help...but we did our best.

My Mother died. Friends died.  

We had to put our beloved Izzy girl down after 11 years with her...

We had no idea what was coming after that...

The world has changed.

People have changed.

Politics has changed people.

Values I've known since childhood, that I once thought

were the way things were suppose to be,

changed.

I learned to Meditate.

I had to.  It was a major survival tool.

I learned,

 "Worry is worshipping the problem"

-Toby Mac

I learned I have no control, sometimes over myself.

I am learning to depend on myself, but still do research, reflect and stay open.

I have learned if I do get the courage to ask for help, sometimes I get it.

I have learned the importance of staying in this moment

and treating each moment as it is.

If it bothers me and I can't do anything about it

I pretend it is a cloud in the sky and watch it until it passes or dissipates.

I'm learning to love and rely on myself.

I'm learning 

"Self-care is never a selfish act."

- Parker Palmer

I am seeing the power in Stephen Covey's quote,

"Do you spend time or do you direct it?"

I welcome all prayers humbly and gratefully.

I am evolving, learning and growing in my journey.

© dkb