I feel weird coming to Mystical Journeys and not writing about Dad…maybe I'm trying to move on too quickly…
I kept all the Alzheimer's references, just moved them to the bottom of the blog…not ready to let that go in case it can be a help to someone…
Re-designed the blog…feels very strange…not sure if it feels right….
I miss my Dad. This will be the first year we won't be visiting him at the nursing home. We will visit him at the cemetery. Will take him a Poinsettia…
I have no business being up this late…need to get to bed.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Venturing into the Unknown…Facing My Fears...
I am still contemplating what I should do with my blog…
The title of my blog, Mystical Journeys, was a name I conjured up long before my blog came into fruition. I always wanted to have a blog, to explore my creativity and post my work….When I finally figured out how to create one, of course Mystical Journeys had to be the title….
As fate would have it, the day after creating my blog, I awoke early in the morning and found my Dad curled up in a fetal position on his living room floor by the front door. I didn't know if he fell or was ill because he really could not communicate…he was ice cold, gray in color and mumbling about "the enemy striking at dawn"…
I called 411 and then called my brother to follow us to the ER and the rest is history…Dad never returned home. We learned he could not be left alone, which is what our Mother had been telling us for some time…
I think I want to go back to my original dream for this blog…
And it comes at a serendipitous opportunity….I was talking with a childhood girlfriend last week…(we have known one another since the age of 10) and she shared a link of a mutual girlfriend from High School. She and I were in Art classes together. The link was a website where she displays/sells her art.
I checked out the link and then wrote my artist girlfriend telling her how much I enjoyed her work. She wrote back and encouraged me to join…
One of my life long, creative, dreams has been to have a one woman show of my paintings and to write and sell a book. Unfortunately, I allowed my negative voices/ self defeating demons to sabotage much of my progress. My starting and stopping were the most consistent efforts toward my painting. I did take a couple years of lessons after we moved here…but again, I allowed my self criticism to stop me from pursuing my dreams…
One thing I have learned in my life, and often preach to others; is the fact we are so much stronger than we think we are. We also are so much more capable than we think we are. I learned this when I was a single Mom raising my two daughters…
I suppose I challenged and pushed myself more back then because I was alone and totally responsible for the welfare of my children and myself, so I HAD to go beyond my comfort zone. Many a night I sat wrapped in the safety of my thick, cozy "security" blanket, huddled over a hot cup of tea….my "cure all" for almost everything scary.
I even had a few panic attacks…but I forged ahead and did what I had to do…often "faking it until I made it".
Now, I am retired and married. I think it is safe to say I am in a comfortable rut. I certainly have TONS of time on my hands…(with the exception of it being the Christmas holiday season…)
I really want to explore this opportunity... It is a daily painting website, although you don't have to paint every single day….but each submitted/uploaded painting is displayed on the home page so there would be much more exposure than posting my work on a blog….Although several of the artists also have a blog to show their process, explain techniques, give background or whatever….so I was thinking I could use Mystical Journeys for that purpose…
First, I must open a Pay Pal Account. Never did that before, but it doesn't sound too difficult. Then if I want my blog included, I must include it when I register to join the website.
I have always painted large paintings….but in doing larger paintings it is much more of an investment of time and money... and loss, if the paintings do not sell. Most of the paintings done on the website are smaller, like 4x6, 5x7, 8x10, 6x6, 8x8, 12x12 etc….some larger ones 9x12….but it made me see a possibility of hope where I could accomplish the daily painting challenge by spending less time painting smaller art work.
But….could I take my undisciplined self and become disciplined? I used to post to my blog every day…so it is possible…but that was four years ago…
Can you hear the excuses with all the buts????
It sure sounds like I am spending more time than I should convincing myself…What I should do is stop using the "should's" and do like Nike says to do…and JUST DO IT!
I announced on my other blog I was going to lose 20 pounds by the age of 65…and here I am 66 and still packing those 20 pounds….
I think this is exactly why I have not been posting much on either of my blogs. I have to be honest when I post. I can't kid myself. I can't insult those who read my blog. I have to speak from the heart. I have to be vulnerable and speak my truth. I have to be real.
The reason is -- I am disappointed in myself. For the past four years I was my Father's Advocate and chronicled his Alzheimer's on my blog. I had a purpose… Since my Dad's passing, I no longer feel I have an important purpose. I am living 250 miles from my family, locked in a reverse mortgage, an uncooperative housing market, a challenging economy….with the added obstacle of my husband not wanting to move back to California….
When I was single, I had to depend on myself. I had to work and the buck stopped upon arrival with me. Ironically, I felt stronger. I got up early, got the girls to school, worked all day, grocery shopped at night, ran errands on the weekends or my lunch hour; cleaned and kept my house clean, cooked, and even did my own yard work. I was so disciplined and organized. I had to…I had no choice.
That is one downside to retirement…if you don't keep a schedule…you turn into Scarlet O'Hara and "think about it tomorrow" and then tomorrow, keeps turning into tomorrow. I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE desperately!
Who knows….if I challenged myself….did the work….immersed myself in creativity….became productive…kept at it….made up my mind, giving up, was not an option….and stayed at it, learning, improving, growing, until I made some comfortable money... Maybe enough money to help with the trips to California….and who knows….wouldn't it be great if I could make enough to get a little place in CA so I could have the option to stay longer….and still have our home in Nevada…Oh that sounds so gooooooood…..
I have a huge collection of ideas and art tutorials on my Pinterest boards…so some where in the back of my subconscious, I have been preparing myself for this…
I have an art box where I store ideas or pictures which inspire me and I have written notes on those pictures with ideas….
The only way out of unhappiness or stagnancy is the inertia of ACTION. I have to push away from my fears, tell my negative voices to SHUT THE HELL UP, and tell myself I CAN DO THIS. Then, after I achieve my goal… I get to be proud of myself and reap the rewards of my efforts!
Nothing ventured….nothing gained….
The title of my blog, Mystical Journeys, was a name I conjured up long before my blog came into fruition. I always wanted to have a blog, to explore my creativity and post my work….When I finally figured out how to create one, of course Mystical Journeys had to be the title….
As fate would have it, the day after creating my blog, I awoke early in the morning and found my Dad curled up in a fetal position on his living room floor by the front door. I didn't know if he fell or was ill because he really could not communicate…he was ice cold, gray in color and mumbling about "the enemy striking at dawn"…
I called 411 and then called my brother to follow us to the ER and the rest is history…Dad never returned home. We learned he could not be left alone, which is what our Mother had been telling us for some time…
I think I want to go back to my original dream for this blog…
And it comes at a serendipitous opportunity….I was talking with a childhood girlfriend last week…(we have known one another since the age of 10) and she shared a link of a mutual girlfriend from High School. She and I were in Art classes together. The link was a website where she displays/sells her art.
I checked out the link and then wrote my artist girlfriend telling her how much I enjoyed her work. She wrote back and encouraged me to join…
One of my life long, creative, dreams has been to have a one woman show of my paintings and to write and sell a book. Unfortunately, I allowed my negative voices/ self defeating demons to sabotage much of my progress. My starting and stopping were the most consistent efforts toward my painting. I did take a couple years of lessons after we moved here…but again, I allowed my self criticism to stop me from pursuing my dreams…
One thing I have learned in my life, and often preach to others; is the fact we are so much stronger than we think we are. We also are so much more capable than we think we are. I learned this when I was a single Mom raising my two daughters…
I suppose I challenged and pushed myself more back then because I was alone and totally responsible for the welfare of my children and myself, so I HAD to go beyond my comfort zone. Many a night I sat wrapped in the safety of my thick, cozy "security" blanket, huddled over a hot cup of tea….my "cure all" for almost everything scary.
I even had a few panic attacks…but I forged ahead and did what I had to do…often "faking it until I made it".
Now, I am retired and married. I think it is safe to say I am in a comfortable rut. I certainly have TONS of time on my hands…(with the exception of it being the Christmas holiday season…)
I really want to explore this opportunity... It is a daily painting website, although you don't have to paint every single day….but each submitted/uploaded painting is displayed on the home page so there would be much more exposure than posting my work on a blog….Although several of the artists also have a blog to show their process, explain techniques, give background or whatever….so I was thinking I could use Mystical Journeys for that purpose…
First, I must open a Pay Pal Account. Never did that before, but it doesn't sound too difficult. Then if I want my blog included, I must include it when I register to join the website.
I have always painted large paintings….but in doing larger paintings it is much more of an investment of time and money... and loss, if the paintings do not sell. Most of the paintings done on the website are smaller, like 4x6, 5x7, 8x10, 6x6, 8x8, 12x12 etc….some larger ones 9x12….but it made me see a possibility of hope where I could accomplish the daily painting challenge by spending less time painting smaller art work.
But….could I take my undisciplined self and become disciplined? I used to post to my blog every day…so it is possible…but that was four years ago…
Can you hear the excuses with all the buts????
It sure sounds like I am spending more time than I should convincing myself…What I should do is stop using the "should's" and do like Nike says to do…and JUST DO IT!
I announced on my other blog I was going to lose 20 pounds by the age of 65…and here I am 66 and still packing those 20 pounds….
I think this is exactly why I have not been posting much on either of my blogs. I have to be honest when I post. I can't kid myself. I can't insult those who read my blog. I have to speak from the heart. I have to be vulnerable and speak my truth. I have to be real.
The reason is -- I am disappointed in myself. For the past four years I was my Father's Advocate and chronicled his Alzheimer's on my blog. I had a purpose… Since my Dad's passing, I no longer feel I have an important purpose. I am living 250 miles from my family, locked in a reverse mortgage, an uncooperative housing market, a challenging economy….with the added obstacle of my husband not wanting to move back to California….
When I was single, I had to depend on myself. I had to work and the buck stopped upon arrival with me. Ironically, I felt stronger. I got up early, got the girls to school, worked all day, grocery shopped at night, ran errands on the weekends or my lunch hour; cleaned and kept my house clean, cooked, and even did my own yard work. I was so disciplined and organized. I had to…I had no choice.
That is one downside to retirement…if you don't keep a schedule…you turn into Scarlet O'Hara and "think about it tomorrow" and then tomorrow, keeps turning into tomorrow. I NEED SOME DISCIPLINE desperately!
Who knows….if I challenged myself….did the work….immersed myself in creativity….became productive…kept at it….made up my mind, giving up, was not an option….and stayed at it, learning, improving, growing, until I made some comfortable money... Maybe enough money to help with the trips to California….and who knows….wouldn't it be great if I could make enough to get a little place in CA so I could have the option to stay longer….and still have our home in Nevada…Oh that sounds so gooooooood…..
I have a huge collection of ideas and art tutorials on my Pinterest boards…so some where in the back of my subconscious, I have been preparing myself for this…
I have an art box where I store ideas or pictures which inspire me and I have written notes on those pictures with ideas….
The only way out of unhappiness or stagnancy is the inertia of ACTION. I have to push away from my fears, tell my negative voices to SHUT THE HELL UP, and tell myself I CAN DO THIS. Then, after I achieve my goal… I get to be proud of myself and reap the rewards of my efforts!
Nothing ventured….nothing gained….
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